Saturday, 15 November 2014

Now I'm a warrior

Next week is anti-bullying awareness week, I thought I would be ahead of myself and write a blog about it, as this blog really encompassess's a lot of charity work I do and a lot of the reasons why I do a lot to raise awareness. This is probably one of my more personal blogs and by no way am I sharing some of these examples for attention or poor you the complete opposite to hopefully open people's eyes, I will also in a few weeks be meeting Demi Lovato after my boyfriend had a moment of madness and booked us and a friend m&g. I will hopefully be able to give her a copy of this blog in person I hope this blog can give hope and maybe comfort to others, like I say in all of my blogs if it helps one person then it's been a job well done.

A lot of people assume people with a hidden condition such as dyspraxia or dyslexia can't struggle with associated mental health difficulties or with confidence and self esteem, people assume the main reason's main struggles is their reading or spelling or co-ordination. I hope this blog will make others more aware.

I became aware I was different when I was 4 years old as I was really tall still am and really clumsy, still that also, I was always the last person to be chosen for p.e the person who people didn't want on their team. It made me stand out like a sore thumb and others took advantage it was from that very Young age I became self conscious and insecure, I thought I was fat compared to my peers even though I was just naturally really tall. A lot of dyspraxic people
are literal thinkers it has brought many humerous social occasions, but it also means if something is said to me negatively I will take it literally so it will completely eat me away. This shy child became an even shyer teenager I began a negative path of self destruction both mentally and physically. I'm fully aware a lot of young people read my blogs so I'm not going to go into any detail about this as I don't want young people to see my ways of dealing with things as good ways to cope.
Bullying doesn't always have to be name calling although as a teenager I was probably called every insult you can imagine, but I think the type can do the most psychological damage is the hidden kind, the type a lot of people call banter, the sly little digs, the more emotional effects, again when you're a literal thinker you can imagine the negative brain processes.

Fast forward quite a few years to two years ago I was to begin a new job, I was excited but nervous about the challenge and was excited about the prospect to meeting new people, but how wrong could I be I felt differnt from the moment I walked through the door and lots of sly snide comments about the difficulties I had, I developed extreme social anxiety and couldn't speak and for anyone who knows me well that's a huge deal im always talking, I was so scared of messing up or making an idiot of myself infront of others and was very self conscious. After an incident where I was called a bad role model I went to my boss and I got told again they were unable to support my needs, this pattern of self destruction happened again and I fell into depression. My mind was constantly telling me how worthless and stupid I was and how I didn't deserve any help, I
Was constantly helping others. I lived each day in fear, crippled and sometimes bed bound of anxiety because I was terrified of making mistakes. You've all got the drift by now and I think this blog takes a positive turn, after I was off work for a while after a bad experience which im not going to describe in depth as is too painful to think of. I saw mollie king on the cube she talked about how her differences were helping her win a lot of money, she talked about how she struggled with memory and needed to find otherways to do things as morbid as it sounds it probably saved my life and added with some motivating notes given to me and an incredible boyfriend and supportive family sook professional help.

From then I decided I was worth more than this all, I made a decision to get a new job and move to london to be nearer my boyfriend, I started raising awarenss for charities and organising fundraisers and attending conferernces and writing this blog. Since I have moved down to London I have been on Islam tv, had an article published in SEN magazine and a YouTube video for dyslexia action. I have also attended the Houses Of Parliament where I attended an awareness event for the dyspraxia foundation, with the support of the help I was getting I was determined to proove people wrong, it's made me so much more determined to change a negative into a positive and ovet come and deal with the day to day challenges hidden conditions possess, I can get transport around london on my own. Today I attended the dyapraxia foundation conference in Bristol and I was on a powerpoint display as positive role models for dyapraxia it's a huge honour and I'm still in belief to be honest. Although I have a long way to go in managing the issues which have been a result of my expeiriences but I am determined to completely recover. Who's laughing now, as an added bonus mollie saw my video and I was able to tell her how much she had helped me at a meeting last week.

 I hope people can see how you can change an incredibly painful expeirnce in life and turn it into a positive and you can stop the pattern of self destruction, you're worth more than that please seek help if you're self destructing there are people who can help you. Please please think how your words can effect people what may be seen as banter night ahve a deeper effect on Someone, please try and undertand those who may be slightly different to you, see the many positives, the creativity the unique sense of humour, the thinking out of the box thinking.  Nobody deserves to be bullied for being different in any way shape or form.
To come back to Demi: Now I'm a warrior and you can never hurt me again.

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