Thursday, 31 March 2016

Self worth

One of the hardest things I have always struggled with is my confidence and my worth in life, I hope this reaches out and helps someone out there.

Growing up I was lucky that I came from a stable background, we never had lots, but my parents both worked incredibly hard to provide for me and it was a home full of love. This is something I am very grateful for.

Even from a young age I remember not feeling amazing about myself, I put that down to a lot of the bullying and misunderstanding I faced in education then the workplace from being dyspraxic, personal events which came from this and feeling different. I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)  not something I will ever go into any detail on any blogs but I'm sure any of you who are aware of it know it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself at times.

I have always been very self critical about myself and far too hard on myself. Around that age I also started showing signs of anxiety at the time I had no idea why I worried so much, why I got myself in such emotional states and why I was such a sensitive soul. I know my mum was always a worrier due to lack of understanding from my school about dyspraxia/dyslexia, and it always made me feel so sad seeing someone be so hard on themselves.

Helping people has always been something I've been always been very passionate about and always will, and something I'm sure stems from my emotional sensitivity.  I've always been determined that nobody should go through what I have or feel what I have, whether it be friends, family, my job or in general anyone in life who is struggling or feels sad. I absolutely hate the thought of someone feeling alone in life or struggling in silence. I've always had so much passion for the causes I believe in and the people who reach out to them, having the confidence in myself has always been so much harder. People close to me have often described me as someone who has their heart on their sleeve and someone who likes to please others, which can be a strength as I care a lot about others but also someone who has struggled with assertiveness and standing up for myself.

Realising my own worth and deserving of help has been a lot harder of a journey. I've always struggled with treating myself and with self care, and if something positive happens to me it makes me feel uncomfortable and I struggle to relax and enjoy myself. I've always struggled in interviews when you get the dreaded "tell us a bit more about yourself," and never been one for liking a lot of fuss or being centre of attention.

I always felt like there was so many more people in life with such worse problems than me, and who were fighting so many brave battles. I had help in the past and it didn't work properly as I never thought I deserved the help, but in reality my anxiety was crippling, making my physically unwell, I was having regular anxiety attacks and all of that emotion was making me depressed. It was only when I realised the impact it was having on my boyfriend seeing how upset and anxious it was making him seeing me torture myself and that I was pushing away the person who cared about me the most.

Anxiety UK have recently launched a campaign called #thingsishouldhavesaid We all have them. That conversation we wished we could have had, the sentence we wish we could've said, which anxiety whirls around at night. I'm sure I've had many of these over the years. If you need any comfort please check that hashtag out, and contact them, they're an amazing group of people with their hearts in the right place which is so lovely to see.

Recently I have started more help and hope to fight my demons for good, it will take time to heal and feel better about myself but I have realised that has been my anxiety/depression  making me feel bad and that everyone deserves to begin to love themselves. Most importantly I've started accepting my anxiety, and realised everyone is different we all have different triggers and struggles. It's so important we don't make generalisations about mental health.  I am so much more than my anxiety and I am Rosie and deserve to start living and enjoying life instead of spending my life worrying. I will probably always be a naturally sensitive soul, and confidence will never come easy to me, but it's time to start being as kind to myself as I am to others. I will never also never stop helping people but to help people properly I've needed to help myself first, it may be a hard struggle but I'm determined to never give up.

 Recently I was nominated for positive role model for disability at the National Diversity awards, initially I went bright red and for ages I thought to myself, "how on earth am I a positive role model? I'm just Rosie." After being told off by many people close to me that I needed to be prouder of myself, I've slowly come to see maybe what I do has reached out and helped other-well I hope it has. If I can help one person who may have been feeling what I have over the years not give up and believe in themselves then all will be worthwhile. Thank you for all your kindness so far it's overwhelming, if you get a spare moment it would mean a lot if you nominated me.

Mental illness is never a choice, it doesn't matter who you are, what background you come from, what positive things happen to you. If any of this blog resonates with any of you, please realise you are worthy and deserving of love, help, and happiness.

No comments:

Post a Comment

2019 in review- You are not alone

Hello everyone, It's come to the time when I write my end of year blog. It really doesn't feel like two minutes since I wrote my en...