Heat sensitivity and anxiety

I've been planning on writing this blog for the last week or so but in short have been far too hot to process very much but I thought this is a very important to write about in hope which it might help someone else out there. From a very young age I've always been sensitive to the environment around me, whether it be in the UK or abroad. I find lights, people, noise and heat to be very overwhelming and can struggle with sensory overload and anxiety attacks. It can make day to day environments which many take for granted a challenge such as: shopping centres, public transport, and going out for a meal or drink, even just simply walking down the street. How I feel towards these can vary from day to day, sometimes hour by hour, and how much I can face or avoid in a day is unpredictable.

For me the thought of being trapped in an uncomfortable, sticky environment where I can't breathe or the heat is making me feel faint and unwell is one of my biggest triggers. It can also affect my sleep, and I find it hard to regulate my own heat, I've been told it's like sleeping next to a furnace in the summer. Now this isn't just a dyspraxic issue, although many dyspraxics do struggle with sensory processing issues and anxiety, but something which many people can find a challenge.

As a child I remember going on a family holiday to Portugal and hiding between tree to tree in floods of tears if I spent too much time in the sticky heat, on another holiday abroad the heat made me unwell and I experienced nose bleeds and I spent the holiday avoiding anything which could make me worse. In my late teens I remember going to a music festival in the heat of summer with friends and experiencing a huge anxiety attack due to the sensory environment and feeling like I couldn't get out of the crowd. At the time I had no idea what I was experiencing was sensory overload and that I was having an anxiety attack, I was terrified, miles away from home and thought I wouldn't end up being back home and thought I was going to die. I'm still here to live the tale but to me it was why it is so important for me to write this blog, as for years throughout my childhood and young adult life I spent terrified in tears and simply overwhelmed and didn't have a clue why.  Being the overly conciencious person I am and not wanting to draw any attention to myself or cause a huge fuss  I never said anything, I either went along with it to please others or bottled it all up and let it all out behind closed doors.

As an adult I've become a lot more self aware of the environments which can trigger me, for such a long time I avoided these environments as I thought similar experiences would happen or would only go in the company of my boyfriend. Which can be difficult as some of these are day to day tasks such as even to facing  going to the supermarket or walk down the street can be a huge ordeal for me and I will build a fortress up not wanting to face it all. The world is simply too overwhelming for me. I still have a long way to go with that, but accepting the anxiety and understanding that it is anxiety and finding the courage to seek help has been beneficial to me.I'm lucky to have some supportive people in my life especially my boyfriend Matt and if I need to physically remove myself often at great speed and with no spatial awareness or if I have a panic attack they understand.  As someone who struggles with social anxiety I've always hated drawing attention to myself so how visibly I can show my emotion at times, and there can be a lot of tears it can make me feel very self conscious and I've been known to run away and hide so I don't expose that side to me in front of others. When people experience sensory overload or anxiety their behaviour may seem a little different to others, they aren't having a tantrum or being un-coperative they are simply overwhelmed and trying to cope best they can.

 It can especially be difficult when the things which you enjoy are in environments which feel uncomfortable in. I've often struggled with my self worth and to allow myself that I deserve self care, treat myself and that I deserve to do things which I enjoy and make me happy. I love pop concerts and I also love going for a cocktail, but feeling not trapped in these environments can be hard and a lot of planning involved, such as finding an easy exit or finding a bar with a small amount of people in where I don't feel constantly on edge in. Last week I went to meet the girl group Little Mix (who put on an incredible show) the thought of queuing to meet them in a busy shopping centre was making me feel quite queasy and at times I wanted to remove myself from the queue but I stuck at it.


 If you have a friend who struggles with this you might think that they're just being a baby or hard work, but the anxiety and feeling  overwhelmed and uncomfortable is very real. Please remember to be kind you never know how much hard work and effort getting into a situation has been for someone.  I still have a way to go managing my anxiety but I've found talking to others both at Dyspraxia Foundation conferences and just in general having a chat (or a waffle in my case) and on a platform like this blog has helped me a lot, please don't struggle in silence like I did.

Some tips which I've come across but everyone is different:

• Plan ahead and find as much information about where you are going to and book a time or place to suit you.
• Break challenges into smaller more manageable chunks so it's not too overtaking and go at your own pace.
• Have something with you to distract yourself and the anxious thought.
• This blog from Blurt talks about some helpful anxiety/panic attack strategies https://www.blurtitout.org/2016/05/25/panic-attacks-6-coping-techniques/
• Find safe spaces and a place where you can feel relaxed in.
• Remind yourself you deserve self care https://t.co/Oybg3TCJVP
• Wear clothes which make you feel comfortable in the heat.
• Keep hydrated.
• Find ways which help cool you down such as buying a fan, having no duvet on the bed, and wearing sunglasses.
• Don't take on too much at once and remember to rest after.
• If it impacts your day to day quality of life don't be scared of asking for help.
• Don't compare yourselves to others, life isn't a race we all have our own challenges which we find more difficult in life.
• Remember when you feel overwhelmed this too shall pass!

Here's my safe space which makes me feel calm, being beside the sea. Where is your safe space? 

The anxious, dyspraxic guide to: managing frustration

Frustration is something we all experience during life, whether it be at school, university, the workplace or just in general. We all encounter stressful situations, ones we feel uncomfortable in or feel like our skills are under appreciated.

The frustrations which go alongside a hidden or visible difference, disability or illness are ones which people struggle with but often don't have the confidence to talk about. Ever since I was a child I've always been a very determined, stubborn (I'm a Taurean) soul, determined to keep going with whatever life decides to through at me. But along with that has been a lot of frustration at either struggling with day to day tasks or the environment around me.

When I used to come home from school two things normally happened, I either fell asleep exhausted or would end up in floods of tears and my family having to walk on egg shells, the smallest of things triggering an emotional response but then afterwards feeling very guilty for expressing my emotion like that. In reality at the time I had no idea how dyspraxia affected me, I just knew my brain was telling me to do one thing and my body didn't want to co-operate. When we got dressed for P.E I was always the slowest, gripping onto a chair for balance whilst at the time looking puzzled when it was pointed out that half of my labels were showing. I tried so hard but was making so many mistakes and so much mess at the same time and I worked so much slower than everyone else. But my effort was never noticed, it was always, "must try harder and try to be neater." Which made my frustration levels rise even more and it made me feel so isolated, confused and different to my peers.

Struggling with day to day tasks is something which I feel has a slight stigma attached to it, a lot of people whether there's a label for it or not feel embarrassed either admitting or talking about, through fear of coming across as stupid or careless. But in reality it's something a lot of people do find tricky. It can often be confusing when people see I have  achieved quite a high level of education yet can struggle with basic tasks such as: crossing the road, brushing my hair, remembering to eat a meal, keeping up with a conversation or to go up and down stairs. If I was to list everything it would probably fill this blog post and whilst I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms even for those my brain is having to process every movement and is having to work 10x harder. Dyspraxia is quite complex too and is so much more than the physical side, a lot of people struggle with social skills. Most people do tasks without thinking for dyspraxics you're constantly aware of every little thing involved, and then of course in typical dyspraxic fashion those wires get tangled and mistakes happen. Which can be difficult to understand as a person I am very conscientious and worry about making sure I do a good job. One of the biggest frustrations is because a disability or difference is hidden or invisible to the eye people assume they don't exist.

An onset of that is anxiety, low mood and difficulty controlling my emotions. Over the years I've really struggled to manage my frustrations in a positive way. Anxiety is simply more than just being a worrier it can be debilitating and zap all the enjoyment in life. My wonderful friend Claire has recently written a blog about how frustrating anxiety can be in her recent blog which can be found here: http://eclairscares.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/the-frustation-that-comes-with-anxiety.html In it she talks about how anxiety can affect situations many people take for granted such as: volunteering, spending time with friends or simply relaxing and enjoying life. I could also relate to her description of wanting to isolate yourself from others and not wanting to put anyone out or annoy anyone in situations which cause me anxiety. Often building a wall around me, pushing loved ones away from me, which then makes me feel guilty.

Alongside the worry comes difficulties with confidence and self belief and needing a lot of reassurance. Reassurance that I haven't made an idiot out of myself and that people don't hate me and that the physical symptoms I'm experiencing don't mean I'm going to be ill or that a loved something bad will happen to a love one, and that I'll not do as badly as my mind is telling me. I can appreciate that it can get annoying, but the reassurance means more than you'll ever know.

Learning to manage my frustrations more positively has always been a struggle and learning to challenge self destructive behaviours ,emotions and thoughts into more manageable ones has been a  difficult for me, but recent therapy is slowly helping me with this, whilst at the same time helping me build my self worth. It's something I know is going to take time and will be something I'll always have to work on, but baby steps forward.

The world around us can be overwhelming if you process it differently, so many noises, sounds, smells and people it can feel like there is too much information going on. I describe it as feeling like there is a bowl of spaghetti in your head. Then there's the sheer exhaustion from it all, when your brain is working 10x harder mixed in with an overwhelming environment it can really affect your fatigue and energy levels. One thing I'm slowly learning to do is stop comparing myself to others. When you're in a negative thought pattern it's easy to think that it's just you experiencing your struggles and feel very isolated.

In reality despite what the anxiety or low mood might be telling you, you aren't stupid or thick, or worthless, you have a lot to offer this world. Most importantly there are many others out there going through what you are, you aren't alone and if these blogs have helped people feel less alone it is always worthwhile. If I am lucky enough to be shortlisted for the National Diversity Awards (thank you for your kindness so far it means so much) - https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669name=Rosie%20Edmondson  I hope to keep raising the profile of dyspraxia. (Please also nominate my wonderful friend Alice, I'm sure you read my blogs as well as mine- search Alice Hewson)

Everyone is different and others with a hidden difference or disability might choose to do something completely different, it's about what works for you. Most importantly it's important to find something which you enjoy and makes you happy and helps you relax. There is professional help out there if you find your struggles impact your day to day life quite significantly and most importantly be kind to yourself.

 For me one way managing my frustration over the last few years is to raise awareness, fundraising, writing these blogs and help others. In my last blog I talked about how blogging has helped me with the frustrations of struggling to express myself and social anxiety.  Being able to give something back to causes which have  personally helped me and meeting others at events who have experienced similar gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside which helps the sickness or dread of anxiety. Also getting away from city life is so important, in holidays I spend as much quality time as I can walking my dog and I'm lucky to have my boyfriend Matt who is very kind in knowing when I need some time out.

Please don't judge someone for what they do to manage their frustration you never know what struggles they're facing, look a little deeper. Most defiantly don't belittle someone when you see them making mistakes, see past face value and give someone a little bit of time and patience. After all we all need a little bit of encouragement from time to time.

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Dyspraxia Awareness

I always see dyspraxia as the underdog in the world of neurodiversity, the different way of thinking people have never heard of or the one people know the least about. Whilst awareness has come a long way since I was growing up and there is more basic knowledge, there still is quite a long way to go.

Recently there has been quite a lot of media interest surrounding more well known neurodiverse differences and difficulties such as: autism and dyslexia very rightly so,  this is very important and needed, as whilst there may be more awareness, there often isn't the understanding and acceptance there. But I don't want dyspraxia to be brushed under the carpet or seen as the same as dyslexia or autism which is going to cause misunderstandings as to what dyspraxia is and how it affects people. Over the years I've been asked quite a few times "do I mean dyslexia?" or if I am autistic given the way I see the world. Whilst yes I am dyslexic, and dyspraxia does have overlaps with the autistic spectrum, I'm also Rosie. I just think it's important that dyspraxia is known in it's own right as dyspraxia.

Dyspraxia is often misunderstood, and no two people are the same, each of us are very unique in our strengths and weaknesses. These misunderstandings can cause bullying and ignorance and difficulties with self esteem, confidence and mental health. When you see other aspects of neurodiversity featured heavily in the media it does start to affect your confidence slightly and how you see yourself, and I think if dyspraxia was more well known a lot more dyspraxics and their families would feel more confident about themselves.

Dyspraxia is simply so much more than someone being a bit clumsy, it can affect co-ordination, balance, fine motor skills, spatial awareness, sensory sensitivity and social skills. But we also have a lot to offer this world each in our own unique way, we have untapped potential that often even we are unaware of often submerged by low self esteem and worth. When I go to Dyspraxia Foundation Conferences what always strikes me is the sheer passion and determination in the room.

Being dyspraxic has caused many misunderstandings over the years about who I am, what I could and couldn't do and what I could achieve in life. So many times I was shamed in front of others for making mistakes, told that I would never get anywhere, be able to hold down a job and that I was slow, careless, socially odd, not trying hard enough and messy. This lead to anxiety issues over making mistakes both in the workplace and day to day life, and I began to overthink every tiny mistake and how it could be interpreted. I also began to appologise so much in case I might of unintentionally upset someone and worrying became second nature to me. I remember once a friend telling me that she'd told her mum I was her clumsy friend, at the time I laughed it off and it is true I am clumsy, but there's so much more to me than that.

 Everyone deserves a chance and a little bit of time and empathy in life. It has also made me determined to prove those who doubted me wrong, and I have worked very hard to get to be where I am now as a learning support in a college, encouraging other dyspraxics who have those same worries and confidence issues I've had.

Social acceptance and the social side of dyspraxia is something I've covered quite a lot in my recently in my blogs and something I know it is something I discuss with  Alice quite frequently how there needs to be more understanding out there on how it feels to be different from your peers, maybe having different interests or enjoy socialising in a different but still fulfilling way (Do check out her blog about time, understanding and empathy.) Growing up I had no idea people like Alice existed, I just thought it was Rosie being Rosie so never talked about anything I now blog so passionately about. I feel like if dyspraxia was more well known than the worries which come with this would be reduced a little.

When eating out in restaurants or pubs like many dyspraxics I can be a very messy eater and in general quite a messy person, but there's always that worry that people may wonder why an adult makes so much mess. The amount of times I've ended up with my fork missing my mouth and let's just say my mum has gone through a lot of stain remover over the years.

As you're seeing a common theme here is anxiety and worry, The Dyspraxia Foundation found that 40% of dyspraxics feel anxious all the time, whilst a lot of this anxiety comes hand in hand for a lot of us who have both dyspraxia and anxiety, if dyspraxia was more recognised some of the more social anxiety issues maybe could be eased slightly.

Doing the awareness work I do which often involves speeches and media work will never be something I find easy given my social anxieties, but I am willing to put myself in quite uncomfortable circumstances and take up any opportunity I can if it means dyspraxia can get more awareness. If I am lucky enough to be shortlisted for the National Diversity Awards - https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie%20Edmondson - I hope to use it to promote awareness and celebrate what we can offer in life as well as raising the profile of dyspraxia. Thank you so much for your kindness already and lovely words it has meant so much to me. If my blogs help then please keep clicking the above link.

Whilst nobody can understand fully what it is like to have a neurodiverse difference or difficulty unless you have one yourself, we can all try and put ourselves in someone else's shoes.  Empathy can go a long way in life. Lets keep flying the dyspraxia flag high up into the sky raising awareness, *drops flag* and continues waving.

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