Christmas Socialising

It's the time of year filled with busyness, tinsel and sparkles but not everyone finds this time of the year easy. Many people find social situations more challenging in day to day life for a whole range of reasons. It can often be something which people are self conscious to admit to, something many take for granted and simply something which isn't talked about. Last year I blogged about Christmas being chaotic in general but this year I wanted to focus on the more social side of things which I've always been more self conscious talking about. As with all of my blogs, everyone with anxiety or dyspraxia is different so not everyone will find everything I talk about challenging.

This time of year can mean the thought of more social situations such as: family get togethers, meals with friends or works Christmas do's. I thought I would give an insight into some situations those with anxiety and dyspraxia can go through in the hope it might help some of you or your loved ones understand what might be going on and how you can help a little. If you've read my blogs previously you will know my anxiety makes me a huge worrier, over thinker. The amount of social situations I've been in where I've worried everyone will look at me due to social anxiety, worry I'll make a complete idiot out of myself or worry about all the little things which I could have said or done. I can assume everyone will think I'm bothering them and they think badly of me. I've been known to go into hiding or run out of situations when feeling anxious as it can take me a while to feel settled, less on edge or get my bearings.

What I've found helps me is telling a friend I find situations difficult beforehand can be helpful and taking a few minutes out to do some breathing exercises if it all gets too much. It's also important to remember so much of what you worry about never happens or is never true. Anxiety is a pretty challenging disorder to understand it can take a long time to get your head round it and I know for me it's going to take time. But if you're struggling don't be scared to speak out, there are people who will understand.

At this time of year places are a lot busier than normal, bars, restaurants, transport. Crowds can be overwhelming at the best of times if you struggle with anxiety. The physical side of anxiety can be challenging to understand. I find crowds and being in groups of people a real challenge, I think I'm going to get trapped and become unwell/have panic attacks. Then everyone will be looking at me.  My brain is always planning an escape route.  But I think it's important to set your challenges at your own pace and you're more capable than you think you are. Fellow blogger Anxiety Warrior has written an insightful but very real blog about tackling anxiety challenges one step at a time.

                                                       


Alongside anxiety, the dyspraxic side of me means I struggle with sensory sensitivity issues such as: blocking out background music and trying to follow conversations when there's more than one going on, reading body language and making eye contact. It can be quite exhausting doing all these at once and I need time by myself and my own space for a bit, this meme describes it quite well. I've previously written a blog about the social side of dyspraxia where I go into more detail. Self care is especially important at this time of year.

Social media is everywhere these days, but I think it's important to see the bigger picture, for some people who may have anxiety or dyspraxia a lot may have gone on previously before anything gets uploaded onto social media. My boyfriend Matt and I, before any social outings can happen and that's just for us never mind involving any other people, there has to be a lot of planning involved for my anxiety. From planning where to go, where to sit when we go, how to get there and how long we spend there. Every day is different when you have anxiety and dyspraxia. We both find social situations more challenging in both similar and different ways.

 A lot of people with difficulties and differences do struggle with confidence and self confidence issues so try to build people up whatever time of year it is. I've always found celebrating myself hard. Having anxiety is like having a bully inside your head constantly belittling you and making  you doubt yourself and second guess everything. I can be the hardest person on myself and it's something I need to work on. Would we speak to loved ones or people we care about like ourselves? I think we all can be more self compassionate towards ourselves.

For a long time I had no idea what I was experiencing was anxiety or social anxiety. I just thought it was simply being me. I also had no idea dyspraxia had so much to it or knew any dyspraxics. But since seeking help (cbt) I'm starting to understand my anxiety more, and hopefully as time goes on I'll be able to manage it better. I promise it's not just you being you and there are others who understand and there is help out there.

 Life is a journey not a race. Take your challenges at your own time and speed and as hard as it is try not to compare yourself to others. My experiences have made me have so much more empathy and understanding for others, giving others reassurance that it's not just them makes it feel worthwhile. I hope the festive period is kind to you, thank you so much for all the kindness I receive from these blogs it means a lot to me. Never loose hope.

Turning dyspraxic passion and anxiety into a purpose

Ever since I was little I've always been an emotionally sensitive soul, and a visibly emotional soul at that. I was always so self conscious about how deeply I felt when I could see everyone else just getting on with it and how passionate I was about the causes and the interests I liked.

Over the last few years I've been to many Dyspraxia Foundation conferences and what always stands out is the passion and empathy and it's been very refreshing for me to see. I had no idea growing up my reasons for being so sensitive, emotional or passionate had anything to do with being dyspraxic or having an anxiety disorder or low mood. I remember going into school and being visibly enthusiastic about the music, flapping my arms around in true un coordinated style, and using a very loud tone of voice about the music I loved and being teased, sniggered at and judged. It made me feel like I needed to retreat into my shell and not show it to all of the world and I hid it away only letting those I trusted in. Managing and expressing my emotions has been always something really difficult for me. 

  I recently met the lovely Phoebe meet her idol Dyspraxia Foundation patron Jamie Lambert  from Collabro at their event at their beautiful local church in Hitchin, seeing her emotion and passion reminded me of a younger version as me. Also seeing Jamie up on stage, filming his video for the appeal and on stage and the passion which he gave off in his performances was lovely to see. Like Pheobe I also have someone who I look up to Mollie King, to read more why she inspires me see an earlier blog the impact of music. She recently released her debut single  Back to you (links at the bottom of my blog) and I've been lucky enough to meet her recently as her launch week progressed into a radio tour.

On her single launch day she was talking about how she found the writing process of the single therapeutic of her own experiences and hoped people might be able to relate to her experiences. This is what I've always hoped for from these blogs if one person can relate to it all it's been worthwhile. I also have found blogging very therapeutic. She's also one of the most calming, reassuring people I've met in life, whenever I meet her my anxieties go, as she's taken the time to get to know Rosie and that empathy means a lot. She also showed a lot of empathy to the charity's appeal, which is very kind of her and means so much that people are willing to even just listen and find out more, and hopefully get the word out.

Being a passionate person doesn't mean that you're a really confident person, what you see isn't often what someone might be experiencing and it's important to look beyond face value. On the outside you can't tell how someones brain is hard wired and how they process the world and see it differently nor if they might  struggle with any mental health issues too.

 I've been able to talk and talk about things which I love, or get very involved in the causes I like or support on social media as that passion and empathy to help others and make a difference will always be there. But by nature I've always been shy and never been a socially confident person I can be my hardest enemy at times and beat myself up a lot when it comes to day to day socialising.
 I can go completely into myself in new and unpredictable situations, struggle with social anxiety  and making eye contact. I will go over conversations and events constantly and worry about what I might have done wrong or any mistakes I might have made.

I can be a perfectionist and if something isn't done right I get very anxious over making mistakes, getting things in a muddle, and being messy and clumsy and get very conscientious about trying to do a good job, even if dyspraxia makes it looks otherwise. It's made me stand out, be different to my peers be difficult to understand at times and misunderstood. But it has made me a lot more determined and something I'm awaiting support for so hopefully fingers crossed this will help me keep moving forward and be more socially confident.

For such a long time in my life I didn't think I had a purpose, bullying and a bad experience in a previous relationship (details not for the blog) left me feeling not good enough and that I didn't anything to offer this world. My emotions were all over the place, I was trying to manage them in self destructive ways and I saw no hope in this world.

 I lost who Rosie was but then at my lowest point I realised I didn't want others to go through what I had and then I realised I had to try and manage my anxiety and frustrations in a more positive way. This is very much an ongoing journey and I still struggle with bouts of bad anxiety and struggle managing my emotions. But I've realised my purpose in life is to help others, the responses I get from writing these blogs and through my awareness work will always mean so much to me and boost my confidence on days when I'm struggling and I've found swimming helps calm me down.

The social, emotional and  links with mental health side to dyspraxia is something which isn't discussed a lot, even though it really should be more as there is more awareness of the physical side. It's why I decided to get involved in the Dyspraxia Foundation Call to Action appeal and step out of my comfort zone and do a video it was a difficult task for me to even make eye contact  and my social anxiety wanted me to run a mile away and it took a good 20 takes. But this charity help people make sense of themselves, meet others who "get it" and help people feel lost and alone like the Rosie I talked about at the beginning of this blog.

But I hope it will help raise awareness, help the misunderstandings which surround dyspraxia and how it can also link with mental health and raise vital funds for a charity very struggling at the moment. Also help others understand that everyone is different, and sees life from a different perspective and makes sense of the world differently and manage emotions differently.  Just because someone processes the world differently doesn't mean that it is better, nor is it less it is simply different.

To check out Mollie King's debut single Back to You:
Available to Stream on Spotify http://po.st/BTY_52 Stream on Apple Music http://po.st/BTY39 Download on iTunes http://po.st/BTY5

Keep up-to-date on Social Media, please like my Facebook page for more dyspraxia awareness :)

Dyspraxia and sense of belonging

From a very young age I've always been very aware of how different I was to those around me, in height, socially and by my body worked. When I was four I was diagnosed dyspraxic. My mum always tells me even though I found day to day day tasks (and still do) a challenge I always had a go and always been really determined. Around that age I decided to give ballet a try, grace, co-ordination and balance has never been something I've been good at (you know it's me coming up and down the stairs by how heavy footed I am.) But nevertheless I gave it a try, but it was then my mum was approached by the ballet teacher and told "was there something wrong with me? Why was I backwards?" It was from that young age my family were aware of the struggle of getting others to understand such a misunderstood hidden difficulty.

Growing up I used to go up to my mum in tears asking,"why I had never been asked to any of the other children's birthday parties? Why did nobody wanted to play with me in the playground or join in with any of the imaginary horse games I had made up? (always been one for having a good imagination) Or why nobody wanted me on their team for P.E?" I was constantly questioning to myself, "what must I have done wrong?" I simply just never fitted in, I had very different interests to my peers group, whilst the rest of the girls were starting to apply make-up and roll in drunk after a night out, I was listening to cheesy pop music, or taking my dog for a walk. I could never name you the latest trends but if you asked me to name S club 7 or Steps's back catalogue I was your girl (still very much aware of these details even today.)
I felt very anxious, lost and alone and thought it was simply just me being me and I must have been some kind of outcast given the amount of bullying which was happening which was making me feel very low and having a very negative self concept about myself and I began to self harm- not something I go into detail in any blogs but I think it's an important issue which affects many and if you are struggling there is help out there. As cringy as it sounds I never thought anyone would like me.

 It wasn't till I was in my early 20's I met the first person who also had dyspraxia, it was quite a surreal experience. Around that time I was diagnosed dyslexic which made another piece of the puzzle make sense to me and why I struggled so much with spelling and why reading my uni work took me longer than others to make sense of. Quite a number of years later I attended my first of many Dyspraxia Foundation conferences. They are simply more than just a conference, they bring people together, parents, young people and adults with dyspraxia alike.  On days when dyspraxia makes me have mistake, after mistake and you don't know why, or when my  legs resemble the colour of a puddle from bruises. On days when anxiety makes me curl up into my duvet too scared to see the world, frustrated with my body and I end beating myself up for being curled up for being so anxious it can give you hope. Hope in those dark times that it's not just you, and that your struggles are similar to those other than you.  My lovely friend Claire has written a blog about anxiety and panic attacks, she's not dyspraxics but as many dyspraxic's can struggle with them, I thought others might want a read: http://eclairscares.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/lets-talk-about-panic-attacks.html  As someone who finds it difficult talking in groups and in unknown situations conferences and meet ups have also given me confidence. The amount of times I've been in a group situation being too scared in case I said something silly so I just wouldn't speak or have the confidence to form an opinion. To be able to do that has given me the courage to apply it to other situations such as: doing speeches and filming.

They also have helped me find many people who have simply "got it" I was lucky enough to spend quite a bit of time with the lovely Alice over the conference please have a look at her most recent blog about dyspraxia and anxiety http://mindtank.co.uk/2016/03/08/youll-be-ok/ We chatted about our own experiences of dyspraxia, anxiety and of course S club 7 (who would have thought!) One of those where have you been all my life moments. We both had our fair share of travel issues before arriving in Birmingham. But if you are dyspraxic or a parent of a dyspraxic or someone simply wanting to find out more, I think I can speak for both of us by saying, they're eyeopening and worth all the stress which often comes before. There's also quite a few online communities for those affected by dyspraxia whatever age or parents to interact with each other. Recently I've been involved with the Dyspraxia Foundation Youth group, from my own experiences growing up it's something I'm really passionate about.

The dyspraxia acceptance journey is an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone involved, it has a lot of ups, a lot of emotional and overwhelming downs, quite a lot of tangled up twists of chaos, but also a good sprinkling of creative original thinking. Even though dyspraxia is a life long difficulty and doesn't just simply go away into adulthood, all my own experiences over the years have made me determined, determined that nobody should feel alone, and that there are others out there too. This week my blog reached 90,000 views, a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with me on my journey over the last few years. I've also very kindly been nominated for positive role model for disability at the National Diversity awards. If my blogs have helped at all would mean a lot if you voted for me https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie+Edmonson

I also know that  I am not backwards nor is there something wrong with me, just different and wouldn't the world be a boring place if we were all the same.  I hope whether you're reading this blog as a fellow dyspraxic, dyslexic or have a hidden difference or disability, a parent, teacher or someone who wants to find out more. Maybe you struggle with anxiety or mental health issues or just feel different, that these blogs are a little bit of encouragement for you. Thank you for helping me get the word out and helping others understand dyspraxia and thank you to all who work at The Dyspraxia Foundation for all their support, hugs and kind words.

Everybody deserves to feel like they belong somewhere in this world, that it's ok to be different and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to tell my teenage self that days and times like this would come, and amongst the darkness, the worry and the bad which happens in life, some good can come out of it too. Never loose hope, I may not be able to tell my younger self this, but I can tell others who might be reading this now.

2015 in review - Making a difference

As 2015 comes to a close I thought it would be a good time to reflect on the year previous which has gone, whatever you're planning to do, I hope you have a very happy new year full of happiness and calm.

This year has seemed a bit of a whirlwind for me, but I feel very grateful to have been given so many opportunities and platforms to do what I'm most passionate about which is helping make a difference and raise awarness. Through the various conferences, blogs, charity fundraisers I have discovered how many people there are like me who have been through similar situations, have struggled with acceptance and getting the right help and support in life and experienced some of the same day to day challenges living with dyspraxia presents.

For many years of my life I thought it was just me being me, I thought I was stupid, worthless and that I would never amount to much in my life, which was fuelled with ignorance, bullying and a lack of undertanding of dyspraxia is. It was after then I decided to make a change and help others. Although day to day tasks can be a struggle, chaotic and overwhelming  and there's some things which will never be my forte in life I decided to focus on my strengths which has been my emotional sensitivity. My emotional sensitivity means I deeply care about the issues which I'm passionate about and have a lot of empathy and undertanding for others either human beings or animals.

I am very grateful to the people who have read my blogs, given me supportive messages about my speeches or in general just given me a little boost. The flip side of my emotional sensitivity means I struggle a lot with anxiety and feel emotion quite deeply and have really struggled over the years with self esteem and confidence. Which is why a lot of the blogs I write link a lot to the emotional and social side of dyspraxia and dyslexia, something which is often poorly understood.

I am also very grateful to charities who have supported my blogs and given me a platform to raise awareness. Especially to a group of ladies who work at the Dyspraxia Foundation who's words of positivity and encouragement got a very anxious Rosie up to do speeches and present me with the Mary Colley award earlier on in the year.

My thanks also go to the various dyslexia charities, Scope and Anxiety UK for also helping me raise awarness of hidden differences and mental health, I'm very grateful for all the opportunities.

This year has also been a year where I decided to make a difference to myself and seek help myself. Seeking help is a very brave step and it took me many years to have the courage and confidence to realise to help other people the first step was to help myself. If you are struggling please seek help, I know how crippling anxiey and mental illness can make day to day a real struggle. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

To the lady who inspires me to not let dyspraxia and dyslexia hold me back in life and uses her own experiences of dyslexia  in the public eye to raise awarness of so many issues close to her heart and make a differnce. I am very lucky to have an incredible inspiration in life Mollie King ( I had to bring her in somewhere!)

You don't need a reason to help someone or make a difference, making a difference  doesn't have to be something major, helping someone who is struggling, showing someone a smile if they don't have one, offering a little bit of kindness. Your words and actions can have such an impact on someone's life and can help or hinder someone. A little bit of encouragement can make someone's day in a postive way.

This blog is reaching 80,000 views, if it's helped one person feel less alone or understand themselves better it has all been worthwhile.

Finally to my incredible boyfriend and best friend who I am about to see the new year in with. Thank you for your acceptance, encouragement and everything you do constantly, it is always appreciated.

Thank you and here's to another year of awarness raising.

Rosie
Xxx