Finding Out More

Hello everyone, I hope you are well?

 I'm sorry for the delay in posting since my last blog it's been a bit of a difficult few months for me- this blog is quite from the heart and took courage to write, so please be kind whilst reading it.

I wanted to write this blog about the value of finding out more, especially when someone has social anxiety, finds it harder to express themselves or talk about how they feel. Checking in with a friend or loved one and asking, "how are you?" or "how are things?" For a lot of people talking about how they feel can be challenging: maybe due to fear of rejection/judgement, finding it difficult to explain or finding the right words. I think it's about finding a balance however, so not to overwhelm someone by asking too many questions, personal questions, or making them feel under pressure.

As someone who has had fear of rejection from a young age and has never been an outspoken person, especially in group situations due to social anxiety/anxiety, I've always struggled to talk about myself and how I feel. In social situations, when it comes to my turn, finding the confidence for me to share my ideas or speak up or stand up in front of a group, can anxiety inducing and is a lot more challenging. It doesn't mean I don't have an opinion/ideas: it's just harder for me and it takes time to feel comfortable and relaxed with people.

One of the best things you can do to be there for someone who has a mental illness, condition or difficulty is to firstly listen, then take a little time find out more. Read blogs, watch Youtube videos, read information on Charity websites. By educating yourself you help to gain awareness not just for someone you care about but also other people. Whilst there is more mental health awareness around in current times, awareness and understanding of dyspraxia are still limited. It's more than just simply being a bit clumsy.

It's important to remember everyone has different challenges and deals with things differently. Just because your friend's friend /next door neighbour has difficulties with their mental health or is dyspraxic doesn't mean they will be the same as me. People can also find different situations more challenging than others.  My anxiety can take various forms: generalised, health-related and social. I can also experience panic attacks anxiety-based depression.

Some people like to use an "outsider looking in" approach to finding out more about someone, but for people who may have anxiety/mh challenges, this may be more tricky, as is the case also for any invisible difficulty. Sometimes you have to look beneath the surface. You cannot tell fully, no matter what someone puts on Social Media, whether they are having a good/bad day, so always try and show some kindness. Even though I've been blogging for a while now there are still things people may not know about me and chapters of my story not told.

But most importantly find out more to get to know who someone is as a person, to get to know their heart and soul. What floats their boat and  and what their interests and passions are.

Putting us under pressure to open up or do things, however, doesn't help, we need to be given time and empathy. Be in someone's corner, by showing your support, whilst it doesn't take away their challenges, it can mean that they aren't facing them alone. For many people, confidence and self-esteem are quite big issues which can go alongside other difficulties.  I know from my own personal lived experiences in my day to day life, words of support can mean a lot.

 Our lives are like a book but there may be chapters of the story which are untold. By taking the time to find out more you can help someone unlock their pages and help to write the future.

Until next time.......

The value of empathy, and understanding

Hello everyone,

Having empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to show them some kindness and care.  I don't think you can truly fully understand what someone is going through whether it be a mental health condition, difficulty or disability but we can all try and show someone a little bit of compassion and kindness.

As with all of my blogs, no two people are the same, and everyone's experiences are different.  We all have our own personal experiences, stories and there are so many different perspectives, even from those in similar situations. For example, someone else may experience anxiety/depression like me but have different triggers. The same with any other difficulties: the charity Dyspraxia Foundation use the phrase, "when you've met someone who's dyspraxic, you've met someone who is dyspraxic."  It's very easy to put people into a box when in reality we are all unique and present uniquely. We all come from different backgrounds, have different family circumstances and different interests.

As someone who has anxiety/social anxiety, I can overthink and worry about many things and find various situations challenging.  My brain can be like a runaway train,  doubting yourself for situations upcoming or ones you've been in, overthinking anything and everything struggling to switch off. Some of the thoughts you can have when you have social anxiety can be; that people will judge you, laugh at you, look at you or are upset with you. These thoughts can trigger the physical symptoms of anxiety/panic and then affect my mood. If you know someone who has anxiety or is, in general, an over-thinker the little things can really help us. This could be; being aware of your tone of voice, being careful of your words e.g. telling someone "not to worry/panic" isn't helpful, or giving someone a few words of reassurance or kindness or encouragement if a situation is challenging.

Likewise, with dyspraxia my brain and body process information more slowly which means things can take longer to pick up, do or learn. A little bit of time and patience can be lovely.  In all areas of life, it takes me time to build up my confidence. The little things can really mean a lot to me, and which is why I try and be compassionate and understanding to other people.

Last week, my boyfriend Matt and I had our 6th anniversary of being together, we are very similar but at the same time very different people. Being in a relationship with Matt has taught me to have empathy for things which he finds more challenging (social situations and anxiety) and his love of Arsenal Football Club and Britney Spears. I'm grateful to him believing in me. Also thanks to friends and to the lovely Mollie King who I am forever grateful for her kindness.

To anyone who might need this today, no matter where you are on your journey, you are enough and you are good enough. You and your voice and opinions have much value, you matter.

Until next time..

Journeys

Hello everyone, I didn’t really get the chance to properly blog for both World Mental Health Day and Dyspraxia Awareness Week. I wanted to blog about journeys and how everyone is on their own unique journey and how others can help.

"Life" has always taken me longer, whether it be getting dressed, writing an assignment (or these blogs)  or being able to face various situations due to social anxiety/anxiety. There's a running joke in my household that I've been running late since birth and was procrastinating in the womb (I was a month overdue)

At school/university, I became very aware that things took me that bit longer. I felt like I was behind everyone else and that was before I attempted to leave the house.  As an adult due to anxiety and dyspraxia things do take me longer both dealing with situations and day to day tasks, especially if it involves travelling,  experiences new places, new people or crowds to name a few. It means it takes time to step out of my comfort zones and to feel comfortable and confident when meeting people or in group situations due to social anxiety.

 This has affected my self-esteem and confidence as I can be quite hard on myself, prone to beating myself up and doubting myself. I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who's flexible and patient with me. I'm very grateful to him for this and all he helps with. Step by step I’m hoping to build up my confidence and self-esteem in trying things which I find more difficult. I also think it can take time trying different things which can help.

Often, from an outsider looking in perspective, assumptions can be made those with difficulties and/or mental health conditions, can't be bothered or lazy. The brain is working harder to do things which others can take for granted. A listening ear, a little bit of time patience and empathy can go a long way. Words can make a huge difference to someone in helping them believe in themselves when they struggle to.

It's made me persevering  person and someone who has  more patience and empathy and understanding for other people's journeys, especially for  those whom life has never been naturally easy. A few months ago I completed Parallel London 10k event. Where I saw so many people who had various difficulties, disabilities and mental health conditions take part. It was eye opening to see how inclusive the event was. We were told at the start that it wasn't about times, as long as we got round in our own way. That made me feel more relaxed as it was non-judgemental.

 I love seeing others achieve especially when it's not been an easy journey. I really respect people in the public eye who speak out about their mental health especially Zoella with her anxiety. I've been loving watching Mollie and AJ on Strictly Come Dancing. I've always respected Mollie, as she's always been open about her childhood experiences with dyslexia which means life takes her a little bit longer. I have empathised with her and find her quite refreshing. I  have loved seeing how much perseverance and hard work have gone into their performances each week from both of them. Her kind words over the years have meant a lot to me.

I hope by writing this blog helps others maybe feel less alone. I have found it quite therapeutic writing it.

I'm grateful to those there for me on my journey, I hope you know how much I appreciate you and what you do for me.

Wherever you are on your journey, keep going you're a lot stronger than you think you are!
Until next time.....

Beneath the surface

Hello I hope you're all ok? Sorry for the slight delay in blogging since last post. The focus of my latest blog is looking beneath the surface especially when someone finds social situations more challenging.

It's important to remember that no two people are the same but for some who experience social anxiety and/or struggle with confidence in social situations it can mean getting to know them can take that bit more time. It can take a while to feel comfortable or feel more confident when meeting new people and sharing information about themselves and ideas more challenging.

On the outside they may appear bored, rude, aloof or simply just quiet. You might think that they simply just don't care or don't want to be in your company or being flaky. Social anxiety is more than just being shy: it’s a mixture of physical symptoms and thoughts and can be really difficult and frustrating to live with. It’s important to get to know how it affects someone differently and take time to help them feel more comfortable and confident but most importantly in their own time. Take your time to understand someone’s challenges but also try and boost their confidence to help them grow.

The words you use can make a huge difference. Having social anxiety/anxiety doesn’t mean someone doesn’t have an opinion or a voice, but you can help build up their confidence by simply listening. If you know someone is going through a rough patch with their mental health a listening ear can mean so much. You don’t know how much hard work it can take for someone to be able to do something you might take for granted. Don’t  put someone under pressure,  let them do it in their own time, your patience can mean a lot.

Most importantly  everyone is a person, someone with a story. Everyone has a story, and you never know what people may be dealing or struggling  with behind closed doors. You never know who may have a mental illness, disability or difficulty invisible to the eye. Whilst I wanted to focus this blog on my anxiety/social anxiety, I’m also dyspraxic and many people may have another difficulty alongside any mental health challenges.

As someone who has social anxiety/anxiety  and can experience panic attacks meeting new people groups of people can be a real challenge for me, speaking up, sharing my ideas all of the anxiety and overthinking which can come beforehand and all of the overthinking which can happen afterwards and low self esteem/low mood. It's lead to some misunderstandings and difficult situations.

But I hope those who know me well know more  about me and of my  life experiences and that I care and empathise with others. In previous blogs I have discussed my anxiety/social anxiety and situations I find challenging. An example can approach wanting  to approach someone or go into situations  with ideas and things you wish  to share. But the physical feelings and thoughts and worries of being judged or coming across as boring or annoying go alongside of this.

I can find small talk not the easiest, and like to get to know what makes someone who they are by looking deeper to get to know their heart and soul.

I hope to become more confident and manage my anxiety in time, and if you relate to any of what I've talked about I think it's important to go at your own pace, find people who understand your struggles but who also encourage you to grow. Asking questions or taking that little bit of time to get to know someone who has anxiety or finds social situations more challenging can mean a lot, and cause a lot less misunderstandings. You never know what you might find out about someone.

Until next time....

Why I walk Parallel London for for anxiety and dyspraxia

On the 3rd of September, my mum and I will be walking Parallel London 10k. Returning from injury my boyfriend Matt is planning to hobble somehow around the 10k course too. Earlier this year he blogged about why he has been running for Anxiety UK and Dyspraxia Foundation. I thought I would share some of my experiences both growing up and as an adult.

We begin our story when we meet a little girl who never knew why she worried so much, got so overwhelmed and anxious, could never put her hand up in class, and why she was the only person in her reception class photo with an arm in a sling and was different. I had no idea I had an anxietyuntil I reached adulthood and dyspraxia was very much unheard of.

Whenever the subject P.E was brought up at school it made me feel full of dread, It made me feel embarrassed and very self -conscious too. I'm dyspraxic which means it takes me longer to process information and day to day tasks many people take for granted take that bit longer. The messages and wiring from the brain to the body get jumbled up. Everyone who is dyspraxic is very much different you'll never meet two of the same and it's still a very misunderstood condition, I'm a unique, quirky soul. I  have always found making friends difficult alongside my social anxiety, but I am also creative, with a really vivid imagination, huge love of animals and hard working.

Again everyone who has social anxiety/anxiety is different.  For me I mainly find feeling calm, social situations, being in groups of people, trying new things, going to new places, meeting new people and initiating conversations and new and the unknown, difficult. I also have quite a big fear of judgment and saying the wrong thing or appearing boring and can take me a while to come out of my shell.  I'm  an over-thinker and worrier.

At school, I was always the one who was chosen last to be a part of the team, the person nobody wanted to be partnered with and the one who was always last and experienced bullying which had quite a big impact on my social anxiety and confidence/self-esteem.

A few years ago my mental health hit rock bottom due to workplace bullying and I struggled with depression. I decided after this I didn't w
ant others to go through or feel what I felt alone, through these blogs and the awareness work I do hopefully educate others about issues invisible to the eye. I struggled in silence and it took me to be an adult to finally know I had anxiety/social anxiety and issues with low mood.  I would hate for other people to wait for so long like I did and struggle so long by themselves. Anxiety especially social anxiety  is still quite a challenge for me, but I hope with therapy in time to manage it. It's made me have empathy and understanding towards others.

The concept of me going around a 10k course even walking is quite a daunting one for someone with anxiety and dyspraxia and I am starting to feel the anxiety build up towards it with the unknown. Parallel London is a fully inclusive event meaning anyone with any kind of physical difficulty or disability and/or mental health condition can take part free of judgment, that also has designated areas that if people feel anxious or overwhelmed they can go to.

Last year I completed the 5k event with Matt and it really did open my eyes seeing people with severe and complex needs being able to take part in their own way. More events need to be more inclusive. Confidence and self-esteem alongside my anxiety is quite a big challenge for me  and make me struggle with low mood as I doubt and am far too hard on myself  so by completing this event it will give me a boost. Those around me say that I never give up, a persevere and
and so hopefully the event will help me believe in myself a little bit more.

Anxiety UK does amazing work alongside other mental health charities to reduce the stigma surrounding these and have always been caring. The Dyspraxia Foundation helped my family a lot when I was growing up and have helped me a lot as an adult by putting on conferences, so my mum will be giving back by taking herself.  The ladies from the office and other supporters are also taking part in Parallel, as for them this isn't something which is their usual forte.

We all are very much doing it mainly for awareness but if you have any spare money around to sponsor us, it will be gratefully appreciated. As individuals we do ok, but together we really can make a difference!
https://www.justgiving.com/teams/MattRosie17

Until next time ......

Why I walk Parallel London for for anxiety and dyspraxia

 On the 3rd of September, my mum and I will be walking Parallel London 10k. Returning from injury my boyfriend Matt is planning to hobble somehow around the 10k course too. Earlier this year he blogged about why he has been running for Anxiety UK and Dyspraxia Foundation. I thought I would share some of my experiences both growing up and as an adult.

We begin our story when we meet a little girl who never knew why she worried so much, got so overwhelmed and anxious, could never put her hand up in class, and why she was the only person in her reception class photo with an arm in a sling and was different. I had no idea I had an anxiety disorder until I reached adulthood and dyspraxia was very much unheard of.

Whenever the subject P.E was brought up at school it made me feel full of dread, It made me feel embarrassed and very self -conscious too. I'm dyspraxic which means it takes me longer to process information and day to day tasks many people take for granted take that bit longer. The messages and wiring from the brain to the body get jumbled up. Everyone who is dyspraxic is very much different you'll never meet two of the same and it's still a very misunderstood condition, I'm a unique, quirky soul. I  have always found making friends difficult alongside my social anxiety, but I am also creative, with a really vivid imagination, huge love of animals and care about humans.

Again everyone who has social anxiety/anxiety is different.  For me I mainly find feeling calm, social situations, being in groups of people, trying new things, going to new places, meeting new people and initiating conversations and new and the unknown, difficult. I also have quite a big fear of judgment and saying the wrong thing or appearing boring and can take me a while to come out of my shell.  I'm  an over-thinker and worrier and quite a sensitive emotional soul.

At school, I was always the one who was chosen last to be a part of the team, the person nobody wanted to be partnered with and the one who was always last and experienced bullying which had quite a big impact on my social anxiety and confidence/self-esteem.

A few years ago my mental health hit rock bottom due to workplace bullying and I struggled with depression. I decided after this I didn't w
ant others to go through or feel what I felt alone, through these blogs and the awareness work I do hopefully educate others about issues invisible to the eye. I struggled in silence and it took me to be an adult to finally know I had anxiety/social anxiety and issues with low mood.  I would hate for other people to wait for so long like I did and struggle so long by themselves. Anxiety especially social anxiety  is still quite a challenge for me, but I hope with therapy in time to manage it. It's made me have empathy and understanding towards others.

The concept of me going around a 10k course even walking is quite a daunting one for someone with anxiety and dyspraxia and I am starting to feel the anxiety build up towards it with the unknown. Parallel London is a fully inclusive event meaning anyone with any kind of physical difficulty or disability and/or mental health condition can take part free of judgment, that also has designated areas that if people feel anxious or overwhelmed they can go to.

Last year I completed the 5k event with Matt and it really did open my eyes seeing people with severe and complex needs being able to take part in their own way. More events need to be more inclusive. Confidence and self-esteem alongside my anxiety is quite a big challenge for me  and make me struggle with low mood as I doubt and am far too hard on myself  quite a bit so by hopefully completing this event it will give me a boost. Those around me say that I never give up, a persevere  and so hopefully the event will help me believe in myself a little bit more.

Anxiety UK does amazing work alongside other mental health charities to reduce the stigma surrounding these and have always been caring. The Dyspraxia Foundation helped my family a lot when I was growing up and have helped me a lot as an adult by putting on conferences, so my mum will be giving back by taking herself.  The ladies from the office and other supporters are also taking part in Parallel, as for them this isn't something which is their usual forte.

We all are very much doing it mainly for awareness but if you have any spare money around to sponsor us, it will be gratefully appreciated. As individuals we do ok, but together we really can make a difference!
https://www.justgiving.com/teams/MattRosie17
Until next time ......

The value of empathy

Today I thought I would blog about something which has become very important to me and that is the value of empathy. Many of people think empathy and understanding are the same thing, but in reality we cannot fully understand what it is like to live or experience something unless we are the person him/her. Empathy however, is the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, see things from another perspective,  that of someone who has lived through the experience.

My boyfriend Matt calls me his wise owl, because I've had a wealth of experiences in life, I've gone through some quite difficult and challenging times, but hopefully tried to do something positive with them by helping others. If you've read my previous blogs I talk about day to day challenges  and the ups and downs in life dealing with dyspraxia and quite bad anxiety/social anxiety. I have also discussed issues such as bullying, social isolation and the impact they can have on someone: for me it meant I hit rock bottom and struggled with self harm. But do all I can do others don't have to go through that.

There are also private struggles which I've been through and experienced which never may make this blog, but all have shaped me as a person in some way. Although it's been tough, especially anxiety wise, they have also made me have a deep sense of empathy for others as well as making me stronger/more determined I hope in the long run. Through these blogs I write and the awareness work I do, I  hope something positive comes out of them and if they help one person writing them will always be worth while.

From a social anxiety perspective, it can take me a while to feel comfortable, to lift my protective walls and come out of my shell. It can take a while for me to be understood .
 Meeting new people and going into new places can be challenging. Then add into the mix my brain wiring and slower processing of information and the world around me due to dyspraxia/dyslexia. This makes me try to be as patient and reassuring as I can be with others who, for whatever reason, find social situations difficult.

When people take the time to get to know me, I try and give back in gratitude. When you to take a lot longer to be able to complete tasks or be able to face a fear, it makes you have a lot more patience and tolerance for others, as you know too well how frustrating it can be.

It can also make you more non judgmental and open minded, you never know what private battles or struggle people might be facing behind closed doors. Issues such as: mental health and difficulties/ disability should never be a competition, everyone has their unique journey and their own story in life and lived life differently. Everyone faces something in their life which shapes them. Everyone is different and deals with these differently. My boyfriend Matt for example: is a very private person and is  a closed book.

My self esteem and confidence has always been a struggle alongside my anxiety, both of them can be quite easily knocked. But, I also know too well how much the little things which people say and do can make you feel about yourself and give you a little boost and strength and to keep going, and help to build someone up.  Helping someone celebrate their little achievements is key as it can help give them the confidence to build on these. In my last blog I talked about how Mollie inspires me and her kind words help me. I was fortunate to meet her last week and her own empathetic nature gave me a little boost.

Empathy can also mean different things to different people.  what might be reassuring and encouraging to one person might not help someone else.  Which is why it's important to take a bit of time to get to know someone and listen and see what might help them. I've seen this Brene Brown video on empathy and it's well worth a watch.

 I will always be grateful to those in my life who have been supportive and encouraging especially,  over the last few months which have been quite challenging for me anxiety wise. I hope if you're reading this you know who you are, it's meant a lot to me:) The world would be a boring place if we were all the same!
Until next time...

Time To Talk Day 2017- Conversations Change Lives

Today is Time To Talk Day which arranged by the mental health charity  Time To Change. The theme this year is: Conversations Change Lives. For me, raising awareness of issues invisible to the eye is something which I will always be  passionate about. You cannot tell by looking at someone they have a mental health condition or any other invisible difference or disability. It is possible a friend, family member or loved one could be struggling with their mental health but by looking at them you would no idea.

Last year Time To Change very kindly posted my blog about anxiety for Time To Talk Day. For me, this year's theme is quite close to my heart as someone who has always found  conversations and social situations harder. Having social anxiety can make opening up and having the confidence to confide in people difficult. I can find it hard to let people get close to me and it can take a while for me to have the confidence come out of my shell and it's been something I've always been quite self concious about. If you're someone who I lower my defenses to  and let in, you are blessed with something which makes me feel safe. From keeping so much close to my heart and being too socially anxious to speak it has lead to me being socially misunderstood and I knew then I had to be brave and do something about it.

For  a long time I thought all the crippling worrying, physical symptoms and thoughts were just me being me,  but I known now  my anxiety was there from a  young age.  Part of my anxiety has always been worrying something bad might happen to people I love and care about. Alongside a fear of being trapped in situations I can't get out of easily, e.g a crowd of people.

I struggled in silence and it took me to being an adult to finally know I had anxiety/social anxiety.  I would hate for other people to wait for so long like I did and struggle so long by themselves. There is help out there if any of this blog resonates with you. I've found the people who work at Anxiety UK to be lovely.

I'm grateful to the people in my life who I've felt comfortable to confine in who have encouraged me seek help for my anxiety.  The last few years have been quite challenging at times but special thanks to  my boyfriend Matt  for all his support, forward planning and reassurance when I'm  going through a difficult time, I'm anxious or have a panic attack. It's going to be a long journey but I'm going to keep persisting and working at it through the cbt I'm receiving.

We all have a responsibility to talk about mental health, not just on Time To Talk Day, but every day. Some people might be scared of talking to someone as they are scared they will make mistakes or accidentally offend, but like everything in life it take time and practice. The more conversations generated the less isolated and alone people can feel. It's the same with invisible difficulties and disabilities: the more we talk about them the more awareness is generated. Also something which I talk about in my blogs is that everyone is different, no two people are the same. So my experiences of anxiety might be completely different to someone else's.

Alongside mental health conditions or any other difficulty may come issues with confidence. Confidence is something which I've always struggled with especially socially, but a little bit of encouragement and reassurance can go a long way.

You don't have to do a lot to help or be there for someone. It could be as simple as: taking the time to find out more, giving someone a listening ear, and then asking, "how are you?"

Until next time...

Christmas Socialising

It's the time of year filled with busyness, tinsel and sparkles but not everyone finds this time of the year easy. Many people find social situations more challenging in day to day life for a whole range of reasons. It can often be something which people are self conscious to admit to, something many take for granted and simply something which isn't talked about. Last year I blogged about Christmas being chaotic in general but this year I wanted to focus on the more social side of things which I've always been more self conscious talking about. As with all of my blogs, everyone with anxiety or dyspraxia is different so not everyone will find everything I talk about challenging.

This time of year can mean the thought of more social situations such as: family get togethers, meals with friends or works Christmas do's. I thought I would give an insight into some situations those with anxiety and dyspraxia can go through in the hope it might help some of you or your loved ones understand what might be going on and how you can help a little. If you've read my blogs previously you will know my anxiety makes me a huge worrier, over thinker. The amount of social situations I've been in where I've worried everyone will look at me due to social anxiety, worry I'll make a complete idiot out of myself or worry about all the little things which I could have said or done. I can assume everyone will think I'm bothering them and they think badly of me. I've been known to go into hiding or run out of situations when feeling anxious as it can take me a while to feel settled, less on edge or get my bearings.

What I've found helps me is telling a friend I find situations difficult beforehand can be helpful and taking a few minutes out to do some breathing exercises if it all gets too much. It's also important to remember so much of what you worry about never happens or is never true. Anxiety is a pretty challenging disorder to understand it can take a long time to get your head round it and I know for me it's going to take time. But if you're struggling don't be scared to speak out, there are people who will understand.

At this time of year places are a lot busier than normal, bars, restaurants, transport. Crowds can be overwhelming at the best of times if you struggle with anxiety. The physical side of anxiety can be challenging to understand. I find crowds and being in groups of people a real challenge, I think I'm going to get trapped and become unwell/have panic attacks. Then everyone will be looking at me.  My brain is always planning an escape route.  But I think it's important to set your challenges at your own pace and you're more capable than you think you are. Fellow blogger Anxiety Warrior has written an insightful but very real blog about tackling anxiety challenges one step at a time.

                                                       


Alongside anxiety, the dyspraxic side of me means I struggle with sensory sensitivity issues such as: blocking out background music and trying to follow conversations when there's more than one going on, reading body language and making eye contact. It can be quite exhausting doing all these at once and I need time by myself and my own space for a bit, this meme describes it quite well. I've previously written a blog about the social side of dyspraxia where I go into more detail. Self care is especially important at this time of year.

Social media is everywhere these days, but I think it's important to see the bigger picture, for some people who may have anxiety or dyspraxia a lot may have gone on previously before anything gets uploaded onto social media. My boyfriend Matt and I, before any social outings can happen and that's just for us never mind involving any other people, there has to be a lot of planning involved for my anxiety. From planning where to go, where to sit when we go, how to get there and how long we spend there. Every day is different when you have anxiety and dyspraxia. We both find social situations more challenging in both similar and different ways.

 A lot of people with difficulties and differences do struggle with confidence and self confidence issues so try to build people up whatever time of year it is. I've always found celebrating myself hard. Having anxiety is like having a bully inside your head constantly belittling you and making  you doubt yourself and second guess everything. I can be the hardest person on myself and it's something I need to work on. Would we speak to loved ones or people we care about like ourselves? I think we all can be more self compassionate towards ourselves.

For a long time I had no idea what I was experiencing was anxiety or social anxiety. I just thought it was simply being me. I also had no idea dyspraxia had so much to it or knew any dyspraxics. But since seeking help (cbt) I'm starting to understand my anxiety more, and hopefully as time goes on I'll be able to manage it better. I promise it's not just you being you and there are others who understand and there is help out there.

 Life is a journey not a race. Take your challenges at your own time and speed and as hard as it is try not to compare yourself to others. My experiences have made me have so much more empathy and understanding for others, giving others reassurance that it's not just them makes it feel worthwhile. I hope the festive period is kind to you, thank you so much for all the kindness I receive from these blogs it means a lot to me. Never loose hope.

TfL hidden disability badge trial review

In the summer holidays I signed up for a new TfL scheme trial- Please offer me a seat. The scheme followed passenger feedback from TfLresearch that found that those with hidden disabilities and conditions can find it difficult getting a seat especially if the need isn't obvious.

As someone who has always found travelling more of a challenge because of dyspraxia and anxiety but never been the most socially confident or assertive about my needs I thought it might help with that a bit so worth a try. Although I can stand and have developed coping strategies from when I was first diagnosed aged 4. I still find managing to stand whilst on moving transport for a long time whilst trying to get my balance and co-ordination challenging.  I also find standing for long amount of time can be quite painful on my feet and I shuffle from one to the other. Then there's spatial awareness of being aware of where I am and my belongings are in relation to other people, alongside anxiety from being around lots of people and new and unknown places and I've always hated the feeling of being trapped in a lot of people, causing an anxiety attack so always try and get a seat as close to an exit as I can.

I find London travel to be that little bit more jerkier than public transport back home up North and bus drivers like to speed off before you're sat in your seat which can make you loose your balance easier. In the past I've found I've not had the most positive experiences with travel. People thought I was bumping into them on purpose, or holding them up to annoying or wondering why I needed to sit in a priority seat as my need wasn't that obvious.

Two years ago I got the opportunity to write a blog for Scope about travel challenges those with dyspraxia and anxiety can encounter. I've never been someone who has liked any fuss or attention drawn to me, due to to social anxiety and always thought that there were others who had a need more significant to mine. There still is quite a long way to go raising awareness of invisible disabilities, differences and conditions and getting people to understand what dyspraxia is. But as someone passionate about raising awareness of issues invisible to the eye and who has always been willing to  learn and find new ways of trying to help myself I thought I'd give it a try.

In honestly I've been very pleasantly surprised, on quite a few occasions I've been offered a seat and I even had one lady appologise that she hadn't seen my badge soon enough. I did encounter a difficult experience where I was mid panic attack and quite tearful and panicky and a lady asked some other people if I could have their seat and got completely ignored. There has been a few instances like that and I have experienced the odd unhelpful stare. But in general it has made me feel that little bit more hopeful that there are people who want to help, who understand that helping someone doesn't mean a lot of fuss and that there slowly is getting more awareness getting out there, but we still have a long way to go.

It's made me have that little bit more confidence to speak up and assert others about my needs. With the energy I'm saving by having a seat, I can use it in a more positive way to help my students in my job. There are still quite a few other travel issues which I've encountered which will be discussed in a later blog and I've found my travel very challenging anxiety wise. But I'm very grateful to those who have offered me a seat and I hope it gives others who might experience similar difficulties a little bit of reassurance.

 If you see someone who might be struggling on public transport you never know what difficulties they might have, you  also never know how much they might value you offering them that seat. In my last blog I talked about the value of reassurance.  A little bit of kindness can go a long way in life and make such a difference to someone.

Looking deeper to understand dyspraxia and anxiety

On Sunday I walked the British 10k for with fellow dyspraxic blogger Natalie who has blogged about our very dyspraxic weekend and my boyfriend Matt. On the day we saw the streets leading up to Buckingham Palace lined up with thousands of people all with different charitable causes on their vests ready to take part in the run or walk in our case. Some of the causes were ones very well known, some less well known and some I'd never heard of. It really got me thinking of in life what so many people and their families go through often behind closed doors.

 So many people face struggles which are private and unknown to the world, whether is be difference, disability, mental illness, physical illness, bereavement, ignorance or bullying to name a few. Everyone is different in how or how much they choose to share with others and that's ok, but you're never alone.

The previous day  Matt got elected as social media trustee and ended up winning the Mary Colley award.  Which was on the day of the AGM and we all met with the youth focus group on creative ideas for a film to raise awareness which will be coming up. Over the weekend I felt like I was accepted as simply me, and through spending the weekend with Alice, who has blogged about the weekend meeting other dyspraxic young women like Maxine  I felt like I had a sense of belonging, and hadn't laughed so much in months.

From coming along to Dyspraxia Foundation conferences, it has given Matt a chance come out of his shell, and be given a chance to show what he's good at. He's always been someone who keeps himself to himself, and before we met never had the courage to leave his house apart from work, was too shy and anxious to speak to anyone. He always saw himself as a bit of a pessimist in life and never thought anything positive would happen to him. But for what he lacks in social skills he makes up for it in logic and ICT skills, someone also with passion and can enthusiastically rhyme off about Arsenal football club and Britney Spears tours.

The last few years haven't been easy but they have made us a lot stronger as a result of it all. He's seen the day to day struggles of  me being dyspraxic and living with severe anxiety and low mood, seeing me experience horrific ignorance and being being bullied leaving me in a dark place using coping strategies I wasn't proud of and experience a lot of misunderstanding in day to day life, which has affected my confidence and anxiety levels. But this is why there needs more awareness.

But also us turning a negative into a positive by this blog, achieving an award and masters degree and helping others along the way. Sometimes just getting us out of the house to face the day can be a huge task, never mind a 10k, so I'm always very grateful for all he does.

Matt gives me the confidence to share the strengths (creative ideas, determination , thinking out of the box,  and empathy and compassion for others) with others and use in a platform in my awareness work. From being at rock bottom it made us determined as a couple that nobody should feel or go through what we have alone, but hopefully educating others by the awareness work we do at the same time. It is also why as social media trustee Matt wants to link with mental health charities so dyspraxics have access that support.

Dyspraxia awareness has come a long way but still  has a long way to go so many people don't know what it is and awareness is so much lower than the more well known hidden differences, from that comes a lot of misunderstanding especially understanding the strengths and being socially misunderstood, the amount of times my social anxiety and shyness has been misinterpreted as being quiet passive or in my own world, or even rude when in reality my brain is working harder to process the information or worrying about making it mistakes and making an idiot out of myself which makes me go into myself even more. All it takes is people taking the time to get to know me so I can find the courage and trust to break down the walls I often put up to protect myself and come out from hiding, sometimes literally and let people in.

 It can be incredibly isolating and lonely at times feeling different to your peers, especially with familiarity of the people you know being dotted around the country. Which is why events like these are so important, they're simply more than just a conference or just about dyspraxia. When you struggle with social anxiety  or meeting new people it can be made so much harder, which I thought in this blog about anxiety and loneliness covered very well. But by having that acceptance it helps give someone the confidence that they can achieve something in life and have something to offer this world.

One thing is though is hidden differences, disabilities and illnesses need to be spoken about, people encounter ignorance, judgement, and lack of understanding on a daily basis. The more issues are talked about the less misunderstanding and stigma there will be and people feel less alone. On the day of the walk someone came up to us and asked about what dyspraxia was, we also had many shoutouts  from the main speakers. I would like to thank Natalie for agreeing to walk with me and help encourage me round with our many chats, Natalie's dad for following us round and taking all of the photos, the ladies at Dyspraxia Foundation, Alice and my mum for all their encouragement  and reassurance and cheering at 9k.

As someone who always says I do it for the causes and charities behind it without having much confidence in myself,  I felt a sense of achievement and I can say I'm proud of myself, which has taken years to be able to say. I was close to pulling out due to my anxiety and I was thinking every worse possible situation. It was completely out of our comfort zones, very nerve wracking but our determination got us round. Sometimes anxiety can lie to you it can make you believe you're useless and you won't get anywhere but sometimes everything ends up ok. I would also like to thank Mollie King for tweeting both myself and Natalie very randomly, it was a lovely surprise and thank you for taking the time to spread awareness of dyspraxia,  your empathy and putting yourself in someone else's shoes, it gave me such a confidence boost.

Everyone you meet in life is facing something in life, social media only gives a snapshot to what people experience or who they are, before you roll your eyes or pass judgement put yourself in someone else's shoes, have a little bit of empathy, find the courage to ask questions but most importantly be kind.

Keep up-to-date on Social Media, please like my Facebook page for more dyspraxia awareness :)