Square peg, round hole

Hello everyone, sorry for the delay in blogging - had a few quite challenging weeks social anxiety/anxiety wise. But it has also prompted me to write this blog. A few years ago when I was going through a difficult time my dad gave me some advice, "You're like a square peg in a round hole Rosie, you might never fit in but that's ok!"

Since I was little I've always been a very unique person who has never been quite in step with people my own age. Due to being dyspraxic/dyslexic and having social anxiety/anxiety, how I live life might be slightly different. For a start, there needs to be a lot more planning involved in day to day life for tasks or outings. Every day is different when you have dyspraxia, you never know what might happen. Every day is also different when you have anxiety as sometimes you never know when you might have a bad day or a moment of anxiety. It can feel at times that you're 10 steps behind everyone else, and the world around you is so busy and fast paced and go, go, go that it can be really overwhelming. It can seem frustrating and hard at times when you see others seemingly just getting on with it, whilst you're struggling to keep up and get even simple tasks completed. Whenever I was studying it always took me a lot longer than my peers to finish my work.

 It's important to remember, and I need to remind myself this too,  firstly to breathe, then that life isn't a race, go at your own pace, and live it in your own way. If you need to break down things like facing fears or completing tasks, if it's easier for you to process information or if you're having a particularly anxious day, then do it. I also get tired quite easily so it's important to factor that into the balance too.

It also means structure and routine are two things which are very important to me, it can take a while for my anxiety to feel settled in situations especially social situations, and I find lots of changes the thought of having to sit for a long length of time, overwhelming and stressful for me anxiety wise- I need things more broken down. Alongside living day to day life differently, there has always been a difference in interests to my peer groups. From a young age music has had a huge impact on my life, growing up being the only S Club 7 and Steps fan I knew. In a class full of students with pole different interests made me stand out. I'm someone who's always been quite passionate which has lead to me being misunderstood as people never understood how into my interests I could be. But music has helped me so much in life.  I will always say that whenever I've seen Mollie King in concert either solo or as part of The Saturdays, the moment she gets on stage it's like all my anxieties melt away. She with her reassuring, understanding and empathetic nature alongside the other groups I've liked have helped me through difficult times.(in previous blogs I've gone into more detail.)  This may not be something typical of someone approaching 30 in a few weeks, when a lot of my peers may be married or have children, but it's me.

But, having confidence in myself is something which I've always struggled with, growing up and in the workplace I experienced a lot of bullying for being different and was left out and felt misunderstood and isolated and I hit rock bottom and struggled with self harm.
  It's made making and maintaining friends more difficult for me. A lot of my social anxiety is a fear of criticism and judgement from people and a fear of making mistakes and embarrassing myself infront of others in a lot of social situations. I probably care too much about what others might think of me at times, doubt myself too much and worry I might have unintentionally upset someone. This is something which can make me go into my shell and take a while to trust others and come out of it alongside the physical elements of anxiety. My social anxiety/anxiety has had quite an impact on my life and has been quite crippling at times, living with anxiety is really hard at times.  I know I need to grow through these experiences and I'm currently having CBT and on the journey which I hope will help with my confidence and my anxiety. I'm grateful to the people in my life who allow me to open up in my own time, simply listen and accept me for who I am which helps me feel more socially relaxed around them in time. My mum is always telling me I need to believe in myself  a  bit more and remember my own advice. I'm trying my best, I never stop trying, always trying to learn and it's made me a lot more determined.

 I think as a society as a whole we need to remember that everyone is different and lives their lives differently. We all have our own unique tastes and the world would be a boring place if we were all the same. If you see someone might live their life differently please don't judge them, take the time to get to know them and find out more you never know what you might learn or find out.

My own experiences have made me be an inclusive person, as I've spent a lot of my life feeling like an outsider and hate the thought of someone being left out. They've made me more empathetic and compassionate too. It's also helped me see the bigger picture. I've also been able to use my passion in platforms such as: awareness work and this blog and be determined to help others. For all you square pegs in  round holes, whether through difference, disability or mental health, it's not just you, you're not alone. I really hope this blog might help some of you and maybe be of comfort. The right people in life will love you for you. You're stronger than you think  you are!
Until next time....

Christmas Socialising

It's the time of year filled with busyness, tinsel and sparkles but not everyone finds this time of the year easy. Many people find social situations more challenging in day to day life for a whole range of reasons. It can often be something which people are self conscious to admit to, something many take for granted and simply something which isn't talked about. Last year I blogged about Christmas being chaotic in general but this year I wanted to focus on the more social side of things which I've always been more self conscious talking about. As with all of my blogs, everyone with anxiety or dyspraxia is different so not everyone will find everything I talk about challenging.

This time of year can mean the thought of more social situations such as: family get togethers, meals with friends or works Christmas do's. I thought I would give an insight into some situations those with anxiety and dyspraxia can go through in the hope it might help some of you or your loved ones understand what might be going on and how you can help a little. If you've read my blogs previously you will know my anxiety makes me a huge worrier, over thinker. The amount of social situations I've been in where I've worried everyone will look at me due to social anxiety, worry I'll make a complete idiot out of myself or worry about all the little things which I could have said or done. I can assume everyone will think I'm bothering them and they think badly of me. I've been known to go into hiding or run out of situations when feeling anxious as it can take me a while to feel settled, less on edge or get my bearings.

What I've found helps me is telling a friend I find situations difficult beforehand can be helpful and taking a few minutes out to do some breathing exercises if it all gets too much. It's also important to remember so much of what you worry about never happens or is never true. Anxiety is a pretty challenging disorder to understand it can take a long time to get your head round it and I know for me it's going to take time. But if you're struggling don't be scared to speak out, there are people who will understand.

At this time of year places are a lot busier than normal, bars, restaurants, transport. Crowds can be overwhelming at the best of times if you struggle with anxiety. The physical side of anxiety can be challenging to understand. I find crowds and being in groups of people a real challenge, I think I'm going to get trapped and become unwell/have panic attacks. Then everyone will be looking at me.  My brain is always planning an escape route.  But I think it's important to set your challenges at your own pace and you're more capable than you think you are. Fellow blogger Anxiety Warrior has written an insightful but very real blog about tackling anxiety challenges one step at a time.

                                                       


Alongside anxiety, the dyspraxic side of me means I struggle with sensory sensitivity issues such as: blocking out background music and trying to follow conversations when there's more than one going on, reading body language and making eye contact. It can be quite exhausting doing all these at once and I need time by myself and my own space for a bit, this meme describes it quite well. I've previously written a blog about the social side of dyspraxia where I go into more detail. Self care is especially important at this time of year.

Social media is everywhere these days, but I think it's important to see the bigger picture, for some people who may have anxiety or dyspraxia a lot may have gone on previously before anything gets uploaded onto social media. My boyfriend Matt and I, before any social outings can happen and that's just for us never mind involving any other people, there has to be a lot of planning involved for my anxiety. From planning where to go, where to sit when we go, how to get there and how long we spend there. Every day is different when you have anxiety and dyspraxia. We both find social situations more challenging in both similar and different ways.

 A lot of people with difficulties and differences do struggle with confidence and self confidence issues so try to build people up whatever time of year it is. I've always found celebrating myself hard. Having anxiety is like having a bully inside your head constantly belittling you and making  you doubt yourself and second guess everything. I can be the hardest person on myself and it's something I need to work on. Would we speak to loved ones or people we care about like ourselves? I think we all can be more self compassionate towards ourselves.

For a long time I had no idea what I was experiencing was anxiety or social anxiety. I just thought it was simply being me. I also had no idea dyspraxia had so much to it or knew any dyspraxics. But since seeking help (cbt) I'm starting to understand my anxiety more, and hopefully as time goes on I'll be able to manage it better. I promise it's not just you being you and there are others who understand and there is help out there.

 Life is a journey not a race. Take your challenges at your own time and speed and as hard as it is try not to compare yourself to others. My experiences have made me have so much more empathy and understanding for others, giving others reassurance that it's not just them makes it feel worthwhile. I hope the festive period is kind to you, thank you so much for all the kindness I receive from these blogs it means a lot to me. Never loose hope.

TfL hidden disability badge trial review

In the summer holidays I signed up for a new TfL scheme trial- Please offer me a seat. The scheme followed passenger feedback from TfLresearch that found that those with hidden disabilities and conditions can find it difficult getting a seat especially if the need isn't obvious.

As someone who has always found travelling more of a challenge because of dyspraxia and anxiety but never been the most socially confident or assertive about my needs I thought it might help with that a bit so worth a try. Although I can stand and have developed coping strategies from when I was first diagnosed aged 4. I still find managing to stand whilst on moving transport for a long time whilst trying to get my balance and co-ordination challenging.  I also find standing for long amount of time can be quite painful on my feet and I shuffle from one to the other. Then there's spatial awareness of being aware of where I am and my belongings are in relation to other people, alongside anxiety from being around lots of people and new and unknown places and I've always hated the feeling of being trapped in a lot of people, causing an anxiety attack so always try and get a seat as close to an exit as I can.

I find London travel to be that little bit more jerkier than public transport back home up North and bus drivers like to speed off before you're sat in your seat which can make you loose your balance easier. In the past I've found I've not had the most positive experiences with travel. People thought I was bumping into them on purpose, or holding them up to annoying or wondering why I needed to sit in a priority seat as my need wasn't that obvious.

Two years ago I got the opportunity to write a blog for Scope about travel challenges those with dyspraxia and anxiety can encounter. I've never been someone who has liked any fuss or attention drawn to me, due to to social anxiety and always thought that there were others who had a need more significant to mine. There still is quite a long way to go raising awareness of invisible disabilities, differences and conditions and getting people to understand what dyspraxia is. But as someone passionate about raising awareness of issues invisible to the eye and who has always been willing to  learn and find new ways of trying to help myself I thought I'd give it a try.

In honestly I've been very pleasantly surprised, on quite a few occasions I've been offered a seat and I even had one lady appologise that she hadn't seen my badge soon enough. I did encounter a difficult experience where I was mid panic attack and quite tearful and panicky and a lady asked some other people if I could have their seat and got completely ignored. There has been a few instances like that and I have experienced the odd unhelpful stare. But in general it has made me feel that little bit more hopeful that there are people who want to help, who understand that helping someone doesn't mean a lot of fuss and that there slowly is getting more awareness getting out there, but we still have a long way to go.

It's made me have that little bit more confidence to speak up and assert others about my needs. With the energy I'm saving by having a seat, I can use it in a more positive way to help my students in my job. There are still quite a few other travel issues which I've encountered which will be discussed in a later blog and I've found my travel very challenging anxiety wise. But I'm very grateful to those who have offered me a seat and I hope it gives others who might experience similar difficulties a little bit of reassurance.

 If you see someone who might be struggling on public transport you never know what difficulties they might have, you  also never know how much they might value you offering them that seat. In my last blog I talked about the value of reassurance.  A little bit of kindness can go a long way in life and make such a difference to someone.

Turning dyspraxic passion and anxiety into a purpose

Ever since I was little I've always been an emotionally sensitive soul, and a visibly emotional soul at that. I was always so self conscious about how deeply I felt when I could see everyone else just getting on with it and how passionate I was about the causes and the interests I liked.

Over the last few years I've been to many Dyspraxia Foundation conferences and what always stands out is the passion and empathy and it's been very refreshing for me to see. I had no idea growing up my reasons for being so sensitive, emotional or passionate had anything to do with being dyspraxic or having an anxiety disorder or low mood. I remember going into school and being visibly enthusiastic about the music, flapping my arms around in true un coordinated style, and using a very loud tone of voice about the music I loved and being teased, sniggered at and judged. It made me feel like I needed to retreat into my shell and not show it to all of the world and I hid it away only letting those I trusted in. Managing and expressing my emotions has been always something really difficult for me. 

  I recently met the lovely Phoebe meet her idol Dyspraxia Foundation patron Jamie Lambert  from Collabro at their event at their beautiful local church in Hitchin, seeing her emotion and passion reminded me of a younger version as me. Also seeing Jamie up on stage, filming his video for the appeal and on stage and the passion which he gave off in his performances was lovely to see. Like Pheobe I also have someone who I look up to Mollie King, to read more why she inspires me see an earlier blog the impact of music. She recently released her debut single  Back to you (links at the bottom of my blog) and I've been lucky enough to meet her recently as her launch week progressed into a radio tour.

On her single launch day she was talking about how she found the writing process of the single therapeutic of her own experiences and hoped people might be able to relate to her experiences. This is what I've always hoped for from these blogs if one person can relate to it all it's been worthwhile. I also have found blogging very therapeutic. She's also one of the most calming, reassuring people I've met in life, whenever I meet her my anxieties go, as she's taken the time to get to know Rosie and that empathy means a lot. She also showed a lot of empathy to the charity's appeal, which is very kind of her and means so much that people are willing to even just listen and find out more, and hopefully get the word out.

Being a passionate person doesn't mean that you're a really confident person, what you see isn't often what someone might be experiencing and it's important to look beyond face value. On the outside you can't tell how someones brain is hard wired and how they process the world and see it differently nor if they might  struggle with any mental health issues too.

 I've been able to talk and talk about things which I love, or get very involved in the causes I like or support on social media as that passion and empathy to help others and make a difference will always be there. But by nature I've always been shy and never been a socially confident person I can be my hardest enemy at times and beat myself up a lot when it comes to day to day socialising.
 I can go completely into myself in new and unpredictable situations, struggle with social anxiety  and making eye contact. I will go over conversations and events constantly and worry about what I might have done wrong or any mistakes I might have made.

I can be a perfectionist and if something isn't done right I get very anxious over making mistakes, getting things in a muddle, and being messy and clumsy and get very conscientious about trying to do a good job, even if dyspraxia makes it looks otherwise. It's made me stand out, be different to my peers be difficult to understand at times and misunderstood. But it has made me a lot more determined and something I'm awaiting support for so hopefully fingers crossed this will help me keep moving forward and be more socially confident.

For such a long time in my life I didn't think I had a purpose, bullying and a bad experience in a previous relationship (details not for the blog) left me feeling not good enough and that I didn't anything to offer this world. My emotions were all over the place, I was trying to manage them in self destructive ways and I saw no hope in this world.

 I lost who Rosie was but then at my lowest point I realised I didn't want others to go through what I had and then I realised I had to try and manage my anxiety and frustrations in a more positive way. This is very much an ongoing journey and I still struggle with bouts of bad anxiety and struggle managing my emotions. But I've realised my purpose in life is to help others, the responses I get from writing these blogs and through my awareness work will always mean so much to me and boost my confidence on days when I'm struggling and I've found swimming helps calm me down.

The social, emotional and  links with mental health side to dyspraxia is something which isn't discussed a lot, even though it really should be more as there is more awareness of the physical side. It's why I decided to get involved in the Dyspraxia Foundation Call to Action appeal and step out of my comfort zone and do a video it was a difficult task for me to even make eye contact  and my social anxiety wanted me to run a mile away and it took a good 20 takes. But this charity help people make sense of themselves, meet others who "get it" and help people feel lost and alone like the Rosie I talked about at the beginning of this blog.

But I hope it will help raise awareness, help the misunderstandings which surround dyspraxia and how it can also link with mental health and raise vital funds for a charity very struggling at the moment. Also help others understand that everyone is different, and sees life from a different perspective and makes sense of the world differently and manage emotions differently.  Just because someone processes the world differently doesn't mean that it is better, nor is it less it is simply different.

To check out Mollie King's debut single Back to You:
Available to Stream on Spotify http://po.st/BTY_52 Stream on Apple Music http://po.st/BTY39 Download on iTunes http://po.st/BTY5

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Dyspraxia Awareness

I always see dyspraxia as the underdog in the world of neurodiversity, the different way of thinking people have never heard of or the one people know the least about. Whilst awareness has come a long way since I was growing up and there is more basic knowledge, there still is quite a long way to go.

Recently there has been quite a lot of media interest surrounding more well known neurodiverse differences and difficulties such as: autism and dyslexia very rightly so,  this is very important and needed, as whilst there may be more awareness, there often isn't the understanding and acceptance there. But I don't want dyspraxia to be brushed under the carpet or seen as the same as dyslexia or autism which is going to cause misunderstandings as to what dyspraxia is and how it affects people. Over the years I've been asked quite a few times "do I mean dyslexia?" or if I am autistic given the way I see the world. Whilst yes I am dyslexic, and dyspraxia does have overlaps with the autistic spectrum, I'm also Rosie. I just think it's important that dyspraxia is known in it's own right as dyspraxia.

Dyspraxia is often misunderstood, and no two people are the same, each of us are very unique in our strengths and weaknesses. These misunderstandings can cause bullying and ignorance and difficulties with self esteem, confidence and mental health. When you see other aspects of neurodiversity featured heavily in the media it does start to affect your confidence slightly and how you see yourself, and I think if dyspraxia was more well known a lot more dyspraxics and their families would feel more confident about themselves.

Dyspraxia is simply so much more than someone being a bit clumsy, it can affect co-ordination, balance, fine motor skills, spatial awareness, sensory sensitivity and social skills. But we also have a lot to offer this world each in our own unique way, we have untapped potential that often even we are unaware of often submerged by low self esteem and worth. When I go to Dyspraxia Foundation Conferences what always strikes me is the sheer passion and determination in the room.

Being dyspraxic has caused many misunderstandings over the years about who I am, what I could and couldn't do and what I could achieve in life. So many times I was shamed in front of others for making mistakes, told that I would never get anywhere, be able to hold down a job and that I was slow, careless, socially odd, not trying hard enough and messy. This lead to anxiety issues over making mistakes both in the workplace and day to day life, and I began to overthink every tiny mistake and how it could be interpreted. I also began to appologise so much in case I might of unintentionally upset someone and worrying became second nature to me. I remember once a friend telling me that she'd told her mum I was her clumsy friend, at the time I laughed it off and it is true I am clumsy, but there's so much more to me than that.

 Everyone deserves a chance and a little bit of time and empathy in life. It has also made me determined to prove those who doubted me wrong, and I have worked very hard to get to be where I am now as a learning support in a college, encouraging other dyspraxics who have those same worries and confidence issues I've had.

Social acceptance and the social side of dyspraxia is something I've covered quite a lot in my recently in my blogs and something I know it is something I discuss with  Alice quite frequently how there needs to be more understanding out there on how it feels to be different from your peers, maybe having different interests or enjoy socialising in a different but still fulfilling way (Do check out her blog about time, understanding and empathy.) Growing up I had no idea people like Alice existed, I just thought it was Rosie being Rosie so never talked about anything I now blog so passionately about. I feel like if dyspraxia was more well known than the worries which come with this would be reduced a little.

When eating out in restaurants or pubs like many dyspraxics I can be a very messy eater and in general quite a messy person, but there's always that worry that people may wonder why an adult makes so much mess. The amount of times I've ended up with my fork missing my mouth and let's just say my mum has gone through a lot of stain remover over the years.

As you're seeing a common theme here is anxiety and worry, The Dyspraxia Foundation found that 40% of dyspraxics feel anxious all the time, whilst a lot of this anxiety comes hand in hand for a lot of us who have both dyspraxia and anxiety, if dyspraxia was more recognised some of the more social anxiety issues maybe could be eased slightly.

Doing the awareness work I do which often involves speeches and media work will never be something I find easy given my social anxieties, but I am willing to put myself in quite uncomfortable circumstances and take up any opportunity I can if it means dyspraxia can get more awareness. If I am lucky enough to be shortlisted for the National Diversity Awards - https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie%20Edmondson - I hope to use it to promote awareness and celebrate what we can offer in life as well as raising the profile of dyspraxia. Thank you so much for your kindness already and lovely words it has meant so much to me. If my blogs help then please keep clicking the above link.

Whilst nobody can understand fully what it is like to have a neurodiverse difference or difficulty unless you have one yourself, we can all try and put ourselves in someone else's shoes.  Empathy can go a long way in life. Lets keep flying the dyspraxia flag high up into the sky raising awareness, *drops flag* and continues waving.

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Dyspraxia, anxiety and determination

On Sunday I will be walking alongside fellow dyspraxic blogger Natalie and my boyfriend Matt around the British 10k course all in aid of Dyspraxia Foundation and raising dyspraxia awareness. It will be both a physical challenge and after quite a few rough months anxiety and mental health wise a mental challenge too. Alongside anxiety and the dyspraxic brain working 10x harder comes a lot of fatigue and tiredness. I was very close to pulling out of this due to my anxiety and fatigue struggles. But I've  decided to give it a go, no matter how slowly or uncoordinated I may go, I hope it shows one of the big strengths dyspraxics and those who may struggle with mental health issues have which is determination and empathy for others.

Whenever the word P.E was brought up throughout my life it made me feel full of dread, It made me feel embarrassed and very self conscious too. The reason why I dreaded it so much was because of how much co-ordination, balance,  gross motor skills and spatial awareness all the activities required. But the dyspraxic chaos often started well before the lesson began, I couldn't remember what I needed to bring with me, where to go, it used to take me so much longer than everybody else to get changed as I couldn't co-ordinate the movements over my head, often things would end up back to front inside out.(They still do- the amount of times I've realised my labels are hanging out of a cardigan or jumper.)

I was always the one who was chosen last to be a part of the team, the person nobody wanted to be partnered with and the one who was always last. I was the only person who couldn't hit or catch the ball (maybe nearly knocked a few people out with my bat mind) I would topple over as I tried to keep my balance and would bump into everyone who came past me. It had a detrimental effect on my self esteem and confidence and I used to beat myself up so much, something which has carried into adulthood. But I never gave up, I persevered, bruises and all. As as an adult, my dyspraxia hasn't simply gone away, I still find day to day tasks a challenge and they take me 10x longer, I walk with a clumsy gait (you can always hear me coming) and my arms and legs often don't co-ordinate together, I make quite a few mistakes, often with quite a mess and I get very frustrated with myself at times, but I'm a very determined soul, and carry out tasks in my own unique way. As you can imagine from reading the above taking part in a 10k walk, is quite a physical challenge for a dyspraxic never mind stepping out of my comfort zone.

Alongside the physical side of dyspraxia is the social side, social anxiety is something which I've blogged about quite frequently, alongside anxiety itself. The thought of being surrounded by elite runners, crowds of people, the sensory environment of being in a city and generally people watching me do any kind of exercise makes me feel sick or like I want to hide away. My idea of exercise is taking my dog for a long walk or going for a swim. Then of course there's the over thinking and the anxious mind coming to all kind of conclusions  but I know the anxious mind can tell lies and all will be ok. My anxiety can lead to low mood, alongside fatigue which comes alongside dyspraxia which affects my motivation and energy so trying to find the energy to get round this 10k has been on my mind, but hopefully all be a positive step in the right direction. Anxiety has taken so much from my life and stopped me from enjoying life, hopefully in time I will learn to manage it rather it controlling me,

My mum always tells me from a very young age I've always been determined  and determined to prove those who doubted me wrong. When people see dyspraxia or any other difference or disability people often make negative assumptions that we're lazy, careless, look like we're not trying or won't get far which is far from the case, we are simply just different and carry out tasks or see the world in a unique way. Which all comes down to lack of understanding and awareness and assumptions, especially about issues invisible to the eye.

This is something which needs to change, and I hope by stepping out of my comfort zone completely and wearing my Dyspraxia Foundation T-shirt with pride others may be able to take some positivity from it, and celebrate what us dyspraxics have to offer, plus hopefully raise some awareness and most importantly make a difference.

One thing which will help get me round is encouragement and reassurance, something I've been very grateful for these last few months, the little things can really make a huge difference when you don't find day to day tasks easy or go through a rough patch in life. Also feeling included, the race itself maybe isn't a fully inclusive event for people with differences or disabilities (which I think more should be, as it would encourage more people to take part and reduce my anxieties) but having friends, family and the Dyspraxia Foundation team cheering us on at 9k after the yearly AGM  and a youth group conference the day before, will make such a difference from being the girl nobody wanted on her team. Feeling included is such an important feeling for many dyspraxics.

The Dyspraxia Foundation themselves have provided my family with a lot of reassurance from when I was first diagnosed aged 4, and helped us feel not alone and less isolated, and I've met some wonderful people in my life thanks to them. For many years dyspraxia and mental health were my little secrets, I did everything I could to hide them from the world, but then I met others like me.  Maybe this will encourage someone else out there to step out of their comfort zone too.

If you would like to sponsor us and can spare any change our just giving link is: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/MattD10k2 thank you for your kindness.

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