My lovely friend Hannah who writes really inspiring positive blogs which can be found here https://hannanarscrawls.wordpress.com/ did a self reflection blog and I loved the idea and concept especially if like myslef you don't find it easy to look at the positives about yourself. As I am speaking at the Dyspaxia Foundation Conference in Birmingham and will be doing a lot of reflecting and sharing of aspects of my life I thought writing them down would be beneficial. At the time some of the bad things we go through are awful and we feel like nothing positive in life will happen, but as time goes on we can make them into positive ones and reflect on how they have strengthened you. I hope this blog may be some hope or help to anyone or anyones parents who may have had similar struggles. Keep fighting!
You probably feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, you wish you weren't so tall and clumsy and could do everything everyone else takes for granted, your legs and arms don't want to work together, you're always falling over and seem to trip over thin air, you feel so embarrassed when you're always the last to be picked for a team or always miles behind everyone else when you run or run like a duck. Well Rosie one day you'll agree to do a 10k run around the Olympic Stadium not once but twice, you still might run a bit like a duck or it might not be something you enjoy doing, but you find exercise you enjoy to help you do it. A ray of sunshine will come into your life by the name of a border collie called Toby who can run for miles, he will give you the confidence to keep going, you will find some inner determination to show people wrong and what people with dyspraxia can overcome.
You probably feel like life is just simply disoragnised chaos and overhwhelming, you can't find anything, you keep loosing things, it makes your mum really anxious because she thinks she's going to go through the red lights because you're running really late or you're going to miss a train, sometimes she has to play chase the bus because you've missed the bus. The thought of living independently and having lots of changes overwhelmes you, your head just feels like spaghetti. Well Rosie, organisation and time management still might not be your forte in life and you're still known to procrastinate a bit, but one day you will move to London, get three methods of transport to work each day and even though it sometimes doesn't go to plan you know how to manage a little bit better. You've moved a long way from home and you are coping just fine and are being able to go to new places by the week, your mum's anxiety levels as a result are not constantly on tender hooks.
I know you don't feel very positive about yourself or how you look, you don't understand how people can be so ignorant and cruel why can't people just be kind? It makes you feel worthless and stupid, and you feel crippled to speak and worry about every little detail in life, you just want to feel happy again,you don't think there is much hope out there. You just feel like nobody understands you and you feel so different from everyone else from how you are to the music you listen to. Well well well one day you'll find a man called Matt who completley unknown to you in your younger years was running a Steps website -who would have thought! He will give you the undertanding and positivity you need, and be there in your times of darkness. He will give you the confidence to get help and take opportunities, he loves your quirks, the things about yourself you hate and will try and find out as much about you as you can. You both will travel the length and breadth of the UK and make many a adventures seeing people you care about and seeing new cities and towns, you will never let anything hold you back in life. You realise that not everyone will ever understand you but it's not your fault and you realise ignorance is usually found because people don't know what hidden conditions are and need more teacher training and awareness. One day you will write lots of blogs to help others and raise awareness and meet people as passionate as you, you will have the confidence to speak out and turn a negative into a positive. You'll also not be scared to speak and will do a presentation infront of lots of people at the dyspraxia foundation. Oh and Rosie, one day s club 7 will reunite and you'll have friends who love them as much as you to go with. You might even get the chance to meet them.
I know you feel like you have to work 10x harder than everyone else and everything takes you so much longer, it makes you feel stupid, your handwriting and cutting out is so messy and you struggle to spell, people just don't get your way of learning, you love to be creative but all people focus on is how things aren't done right or in a tidy way. Well one day with people you're close with you'll make these amazing birthday books for someone in the public eye you admire called Mollie, she has had some of the similar struggles as you and is a huge inspiration to you. Mollie will appreciate your creativity and you will get the opportunity to give them to her in some amazing situations. You also find out that she keeps them on a shelf to keep for years to come and it boosts your confidence so much. All the hard work will pay off you will get a Masters degree and find a boss who understands you, doesn't care about your handwriting or presentation but who you are as a person, who builds you up and helps you find hope again.
Stop beating yourself up, you are not all the negative things you say about yourself, life will never be easy but it's made you so determined, you will make a difference and hopefully help people along the way, you will be understood!
Love Rosie xxx