Anxiety and me

 So the focus on a Mental Health awareness week this year is Anxiety and I've been meaning to write this all week but in typical fashion have felt too anxious too, this is one of my more personal blogs so has been quite difficult to write but if my experiences help someone out there then it's a blog well done. I can't think of  a time when anxiety hasn't been in my life as a child I was always really tall (still am) and really clumsy and awkwardly co-ordinated (again still am) so always felt like I stood out like a sore thumb so I became very shy and often hid behind my mum if we met people I knew as I was too shy to say anything. I always felt like I was different to evryone else and even as a young child had very low confidence and self esteem of myslef and became a target for bullies as I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myslef.
Fast forward a few years and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome some of you probably have a mum or a sister or friend who struggles or mammy be you struggle yourself. I don't wasn't to talk about this much as it's quite a personal topic but the symptoms left me feeling very insecure of myself and my body, I was always paranoid and anxious someone could visably see the symptoms and would stare at me or call me a freak. I thought any man would be disgusted to even look at me.
With medication the symptoms thank god have improved dramatically and I look very different to how I once was but the anxiety is still there.

As many as you know I'm very passionate about raising awareness for dyspraxia and dyslexia charities one of the many many reasons for doing this is because I know from my own personal experiences that a lack of awareness and understanding can lead to anxiety, other mental health issues and inevitably confidence and self esteem issues too. It can make you feel constantly scared of making a mistake or that you've messed up. For me too negative past experiences made me very anxious about opening up something which I still struggle with today I always get so scared people won't undertand or not get it or think I'm some idiot it doesn't help that hidden conditions don't get talked about a lot and there's been a huge rise on social media of people saying they have a
Mental health issue because a celebrity may have it or just to say they do which can lead to genuine strugglers feeling anxious to discuss thier issues because they feel they feel that they won't be understood or judged in the same way as those who may not be genuinely struggling.

About a year and a half or so my anxiety went into complete downward spiral I was experiencing panic and anxiety attacks I felt so anxious I could barely speak at times as I felt so scared, when you experience an anxiety attack it's quite hard to explain but it's like you have no control over your emotions and you struggle to breathe and have no sense of reality around you, you fear the very worst about a situation and that the very worst possible things are going to happen. Something I really struggle with is fear of unknown situations the fear of unfamiliar settings and people and the what ifs what if you mess up and make a complete idiot of yourself, what if everyone thinks you're a complete weirdo and won't want to speak to you. Social media and the rise of indirecting can be very difficult for sufferers with anxiety the constant dear or what if it's about me, what if I've upset someone. When I feel particularly anxious it can be very hard to get me out of the negative mind set. But luckily I have an incredible undertanding boyfriend who has helped me through these situations even though sometimes it may be difficult for him. About a year ago I decided to do
Something about my anxiety it was getting unbearable and it was making me stuggle with self ahem something which I knew very very well isn't the right way to go about things. It was then my boyfriend broke into tears he was scared he was going to loose me and it was then I knew I needs to seek help. when I went for help I was physically shaking and my legs shaking and I was so anxious I could barely speak properly but I was so proud of myself for being able to do it. I'll be honest my anxiety isn't great at the moment but it's something I'm determined to beat and recover from and not live life in constant fear of the what ifs. I'm also determined to help raise awareness for anxiety and other hidden conditions so as cheesy as it sound nobody has to go through what I have and I would hate for anyone to be in the dark places I have done in the past, so if you are struggling with anxiety you are not alone I repeat not alone there are people who will undertand you I promise and there will be people who won't judge you. Far too many people say when celebrities talk about issues like this that it's cute or a quirky add on to their personality or that it's something cool to have trust me you don't want severe anxiety. When someone you know maybe is struggling with anxiety please try your best to undertand them I know at times anxiety can make no sense what so ever and can make you think absolute garbage which can be incredibly fruatrating to those close.

Finally, to those around me who have been there for me and helped me I can't thank you enough for all your help and most importantly undertanding. It really means a lot. To those who maybe haven't I hope this blog helps you undertand anxiety better .